Ahch-To, Baby

[coolhandluke]

There were a lot of things Luke hadn't asked himself in the years since arriving on Ach-To. Some because he didn't want to know--or imagine--the answers. Some because there was no reason to borrow more trouble than he already had, and the litany of regrets was already long enough. Some because, well, they just weren't thinks that Luke Skywalker ever thought of.

Like the fact that he looked like some old Jedi hermit, complete with beard and unkempt hair and dingy robes. It hadn't exactly been part of the plan, but then, there hadn't been anyone to comment, or even a mirror.

That was the outside, however. Inside, something in Luke had died long ago, stopping in its tracks. Meeting himself, he would have assumed wisdom and calm, if a little eccentricity. But that hadn't been why Luke had come here, and it hadn't been what he'd found. No, it wasn't the Jedi Master who had retreated. It was the scared farm-boy, who'd flown too high and been brought crashing to ground. It was Luke from Tatooine, who had tried to be Master Skywalker, the hero, and failed.

That was what he'd been running from. That expectation, and his failure at it. That, and the disaster he knew his presence would bring to what was left of what he and the Rebellion had built, if Ben knew where he was. Better, he'd thought, to close himself off and shut down before he hurt anyone else. By his own hand, or by leading Kylo Ren to exact revenge.

It was not so simple a thing, however, to die. Unwilling to take any more lives, including his own, he lingered. Unwilling to open himself up to the Force, he nevertheless existed within it, his body sustained by it as much as by the food he caught. For awhile it seemed that he would just continue, in a sort of limbo of his own making, unwilling to make a move that would upset the galaxy even further than his presence already had.

Until she came.

Rey held a mirror up to him, one he wasn't always willing to gaze into but one from which it was impossible to escape--not least because she simply wouldn't go away. At first resentful, he quickly became resigned.

And then, suddenly, he became expectant. Not hopeful--he would not go so far as to say that--but there came a morning when he realized he would be disappointed to find her gone, given up. Despite his fear, despite his warnings, he wanted her to persist.

Maybe because he hadn't. And as much shame as he felt over that fact, the shame was at least an emotion. And as much as he'd tried to suppress those over the past years, the irritation at her arrival had begun to wear away at his resolve like grains of sand until emotions he'd thought long buried began to unearth themselves.

The truth was, Luke Skywalker was every bit the mess he looked. And yet, the longer she stayed, the less he could find it within himself to resent it. He'd been too long alone, and too long waiting. It only stood to reason that he'd bend to the first wind that came.

Wasn't how this had all started, to begin with?

The sun had barely risen when he took position, waiting outside the hut she'd claimed, unwilling to seem too eager but having to quash a small stirring of impatience, just the same. Warnings not to get too close, too attached, flickered in his mind's eye like a glitched holovid. But Luke had never once detached from anything--and if going to the most remote location he could find hadn't done it, he didn't know that it was worth trying, anymore.

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[coolhandluke]

That made Luke laugh, eyes opening in surprise.

"Wrong?" he echoed with faint amusement. "Rey, there's no such thing. Or if there is, I definitely don't have the manual for that." For all the ancient texts had been useless in figuring out how to teach a new class of Jedi, he had even less guidance on what constituted good form when you were putting the moves on the girl a third of your age who'd come to you for help. In a way, it was a small victory--he had not, after all, said it's all wrong.

Progress.

"You seem to think I have some idea what I'm doing, here."

[abalance]

When Luke actually did laugh, Rey closed her eyes and just barely managed to keep herself from flinching. She'd expected him to laugh at her, of course, but... well, not like this.

Though she was glad that he wasn't exactly laughing at her, she still wasn't entirely sure what to make of his response. Tilting her head and looking at him curiously, she mentioned, "Well-... more than I do, surely?" Realizing she didn't know anything about his past insofar as relationships went aside from the fact that he didn't have any children, she uncertainly remarked, "I'm assuming you're more experienced than I am. It's impossible to be less experienced."

[coolhandluke]

Oh, no. He hadn't meant to embarrass her. Quickly, Luke's expression sobered, and he ran his fingers along the side of her face, sliding just slightly into her hair.

"Oh, Rey," he sighed. "Not that it matters, not one bit. But this isn't the sort of thing you can really teach. Do I have some experience?" He shrugged. "Certainly. I was a starpilot during a war--you don't come out of that without some fairly embarrassing memories. But you needn't worry I've got... expectations. My life has been, while very active, very... lonely."

[abalance]

Rey was immediately comforted by Luke's touch, eyes slipping closed again as she tilted her face into his hand and sighed softly in return. Though there was a small part of her that was jealous of whomever he'd been with when he'd been young enough to not care about allegedly embarrassing himself, she wasn't about to turn her back on the opportunity she had with him now, wherever it might lead.

"It doesn't have to be lonely anymore," she whispered softly as she met his eyes again. Her hands trailed along his shoulders as though she were smoothing out his robe, fingers eventually linking at the nape of his neck in a loose embrace. "Not for either of us. I just... want to make sure that it's fulfilling, as well."

[coolhandluke]

What her touch was doing just to the back of his neck was ample evidence that 'fulfillment' was not going to be a problem. In fact, Luke privately wondered if he should be the one afraid of performance, given his age and his utter lack of familiarity with, at this point, even his own body--let alone another person's.

He still felt that she was making a huge mistake, but he was no longer willing to fight it. Of all the people in the galaxy, she'd come here, and chosen him, and it didn't seem fair--to her. But he was so tired of shouldering the blame. And tired of hiding, even though he had no momentum to do anything else.

"You've nothing to fear, on that score," he said softly. "I'm well-practiced at making myself unhappy, at this point. Nothing you could possibly do is going to contribute to that. If I am moody, if I am gruff--it's not you, Rey. I have no doubt that anything you do is going to be... more than satisfying."

[abalance]

If nothing else, Rey was blissfully unaware that age would have any impact whatsoever on performance, and it was hardly as though she had much of anything for a reference point on that front. Her own drive had always been relatively low, so there hadn't been a lot in the way of "self-fulfillment" occurring in the privacy of her hammock, so just having someone that she could comfortably share such close contact with was thrilling all in its own right.

She rolled her eyes slightly when he remarked on his penchant for making himself unhappy, though by the time he finished, her expression had softened considerably. "I hope so," she told him fondly. "You deserve to be happy, Luke. Regardless of how good you are at not being happy."

[coolhandluke]

That last point was debatable, but Luke didn't feel like debating it just now. It was an endless circle, one he could not be talked out of, but one which she had no context for. Indeed, had they been speaking of any other party, he would have agreed--everyone deserved a chance to be happy.

Except himself, because he knew what he'd done, and didn't have the plausible deniability of not having a window into their soul.

Still, while Rey was by no means a replacement for Ben, he could do right by her by not pushing her away. And not making assumptions. Opening himself up to what she needed. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he was certain this was some sort of excuse. Did it matter?

"That's a conversation for another time," he said with dry diplomacy. "But I've also little practice with others' happiness. You'll have to help me."

[abalance]

She might not have known what had happened in Luke's past to turn him from a legend to a recluse, but she knew that the good far outweighed the perceived bad. He'd been a hero, after all, and he still had that sort of heart inside of him, even if he'd willingly blinded himself to it for all these years.

Rey believed Luke Skywalker was a good man. And she'd do what she could to make sure that he believed it, too. Even if that took more than a little work.

"Help you... with me?" She chuckled softly as she glanced away, shaking her head slightly. "I... don't really know what makes me happy. This does, being with you. But beyond that...." She shrugged a bit helplessly, never having been one to focus on her happiness so much as on her survival.

[coolhandluke]

"I'm not asking for a manifesto," he said with gruff humor. "It's an open request. Don't be afraid to tell me when you do know."

He paused.

"Unless it's the beard. If you don't like the beard, too bad. I don't have a razor."

[abalance]

Rey couldn't help laughing at his comment, eventually manage to shake her head. "No," she replied, still grinning as she looked at him fondly. Though she still hesitated for a moment, she soon brought a hand up to lightly stroke his beard, deciding that he wouldn't bring attention to it if it actually did make him uncomfortable or self-conscious.

"The beard can stay. It tickles a bit, but that's not a bad thing."

[coolhandluke]

Her hand on his face tickled a little, but it also thrilled. He'd never had anyone stroke his beard before, which sounded like a stupid thing to be thrilled about but it was. He'd been so long without contact, even before the island, that even this little bit was waking him up the way her presence had already worked on his emotions.

"Good," he said softly, then looked doofily at her for a long moment before he realized what he was doing and shook his head. "I'm sorry. You make me feel like a teenager. It's embarrassing."

[abalance]

For her own part, Rey was too busy watching the way her fingers gently combed through his beard, careful not to tangle herself in it or otherwise do anything that would only result in embarrassment for both of them. She didn't realize Luke was staring at her in any particular way until the tail end of it, when she glanced up at him just as he seemed to realize what he'd been doing and snapped out of it. Rey found herself wishing she'd looked up at him sooner.

"Is it?" she asked with a soft laugh. "What's so embarrassing about being a teenager? And keep in mind how old I am before you answer."

[coolhandluke]

Luke did not want to keep in mind how old Rey was, because the math there was a different kind of embarrassing. Luckily, she was distracting enough that he could focus on her question.

"It's embarrassing because I'm not," he insisted. "I shouldn't feel... giddy." And maybe giddy was over-stating it, but it was as close as he ever thought he might get. But he was pretty sure he was smiling stupidly as she carded her fingers through his beard, enjoying how the coarse hairs caught on her skin, tugging gently.

[abalance]

Rey didn't see their age difference as embarrassing. Unconventional, perhaps, because there was still a small part of her that acknowledged that he was more than old enough to be her father, but as she'd never had a relationship with her father, that didn't have the horrifying kick it might otherwise have had to someone who'd grown up with a proper family. Luke was just older than her. Many people were.

"Why not?" she asked, voice a low whisper. "There's nothing wrong with feeling giddy, I don't think. Granted... I've never felt that way before, but... I've also never felt like this before, and that's not a bad thing. Is it?"

[coolhandluke]

The thing is, Luke thought it might be a bad thing. It was, if nothing else, deeply suspect, in his opinion.

What right did he have to feel... anything?

But she remained close enough, that day, to banish most of those thoughts from his consciousness. He did not allow them to merely wallow however. She had come to learn, and inappropriate dreams were not going to deter him from his newfound commitment to not letting her power go feral. So they trained, and meditated, and if Luke had to turn his thoughts away from doubts about what came next, well, they could wait.

But not forever.

Eventually, night began to fall, and the wind grew chillier and he had to admit that he'd worked the girl hard enough for the strictest master. They made their way back down to the cluster of stone huts, exhausted and hungry, and Luke threw together a simple meal. It was odd, but somehow comfortable, cooking for two. Even if the meal itself was hardly worthy of the name. He'd been eating solely for nutrition for so long, it was practically the first time in years he'd thought to question the flavor. Then again, everything felt new and sharp, with her watching.