coolhandluke | Ahch-To, Baby

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Ahch-To, Baby

There were a lot of things Luke hadn't asked himself in the years since arriving on Ach-To. Some because he didn't want to know--or imagine--the answers. Some because there was no reason to borrow more trouble than he already had, and the litany of regrets was already long enough. Some because, well, they just weren't thinks that Luke Skywalker ever thought of.

Like the fact that he looked like some old Jedi hermit, complete with beard and unkempt hair and dingy robes. It hadn't exactly been part of the plan, but then, there hadn't been anyone to comment, or even a mirror.

That was the outside, however. Inside, something in Luke had died long ago, stopping in its tracks. Meeting himself, he would have assumed wisdom and calm, if a little eccentricity. But that hadn't been why Luke had come here, and it hadn't been what he'd found. No, it wasn't the Jedi Master who had retreated. It was the scared farm-boy, who'd flown too high and been brought crashing to ground. It was Luke from Tatooine, who had tried to be Master Skywalker, the hero, and failed.

That was what he'd been running from. That expectation, and his failure at it. That, and the disaster he knew his presence would bring to what was left of what he and the Rebellion had built, if Ben knew where he was. Better, he'd thought, to close himself off and shut down before he hurt anyone else. By his own hand, or by leading Kylo Ren to exact revenge.

It was not so simple a thing, however, to die. Unwilling to take any more lives, including his own, he lingered. Unwilling to open himself up to the Force, he nevertheless existed within it, his body sustained by it as much as by the food he caught. For awhile it seemed that he would just continue, in a sort of limbo of his own making, unwilling to make a move that would upset the galaxy even further than his presence already had.

Until she came.

Rey held a mirror up to him, one he wasn't always willing to gaze into but one from which it was impossible to escape--not least because she simply wouldn't go away. At first resentful, he quickly became resigned.

And then, suddenly, he became expectant. Not hopeful--he would not go so far as to say that--but there came a morning when he realized he would be disappointed to find her gone, given up. Despite his fear, despite his warnings, he wanted her to persist.

Maybe because he hadn't. And as much shame as he felt over that fact, the shame was at least an emotion. And as much as he'd tried to suppress those over the past years, the irritation at her arrival had begun to wear away at his resolve like grains of sand until emotions he'd thought long buried began to unearth themselves.

The truth was, Luke Skywalker was every bit the mess he looked. And yet, the longer she stayed, the less he could find it within himself to resent it. He'd been too long alone, and too long waiting. It only stood to reason that he'd bend to the first wind that came.

Wasn't how this had all started, to begin with?

The sun had barely risen when he took position, waiting outside the hut she'd claimed, unwilling to seem too eager but having to quash a small stirring of impatience, just the same. Warnings not to get too close, too attached, flickered in his mind's eye like a glitched holovid. But Luke had never once detached from anything--and if going to the most remote location he could find hadn't done it, he didn't know that it was worth trying, anymore.

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"I used to talk to flowers when I was a child," Rey pointed out. "And flowers were rare on Jakku. If you really wanted to make this a game of who had the least amount of social interaction...."

Except she knew he didn't, no more than she did. It wouldn't do either of them any good to think about the loneliness they'd both experienced. Especially not now that they'd found one another, whatever might become of the relationship they'd formed.

Instead, she stayed quiet when he promised to give her an answer, having developed more than enough patience over the years to be able to wait until he got that giant fish out of the way, and they were no longer in a potentially dangerous environment. Once she was back inside his hut, she instinctively moved to follow him towards the fire, sitting down as she watched him busy himself with making tea before he was ready to speak.

"... and yet... you've never found anyone to feel that strongly towards?" It was as much a shot in the dark as it was a question borne of disbelief. How could he have lived as long as he had and have never found anyone over the course of his life? While romance had never been on the forefront of her mind, Rey had always assumed that she'd eventually find someone, after....

Well. After her parents had found her. Which was just about as good as saying she'd end up like Luke by the time she was his age, if she even made it that long.

That was a sobering thought, and she looked down as she considered all of the implications therein. She wondered if Luke had only developed feelings for her because she'd been the first woman who'd literally shipped herself to his doorstep and presented herself as available to him, but that theory was every bit as unfair to him as it was her. Lonely or not, he had to have standards, right?

"If it had been a matter of your circumstances, then those have changed, now that I'm here. But again, if you don't want to pursue anything and would rather forget we're anything more than teacher and student... if you feel that's best, then I can do that." She hesitated for a brief moment before adding, "I'd rather not, but I can."

Luke watched her a long moment, his expression still somewhat disbelieving, before reaching for the pot and pouring two cups of tea. It was not expertly done--there were bits of leaf floating in it--but it was hot, and it would, at least, calm him.

Part of him wanted to spill everything. Every desire, every moment of loneliness or connection, every answer to her questions both asked and not. It was that reservoir that had built up, unnoticed, now offering sustained pressure on the dam he'd built now that she'd shown him the cracks.

But another part simply couldn't accept that any of this was happening. And still another part knew that it was, and refused to give in to it because it should not be happening. There were more important things happening, and he could fully accept his own decision to ignore them but not hers.

"There have been... people," he said after a moment, very slowly. He wrapped his hands around one mug, leaving the other next to the pot. Why, oh why, was he talking about his love life with the girl who'd come here to be trained? "Not many. But it never lasted. It couldn't. They either wanted something I could not give, or wanted someone I never was." He shrugged, and took a sip of his tea. It almost burned his tongue, and he rather welcomed the shock of it. "Or maybe it was I who asked too much. Expected them to share me with what I saw as my greater mission."

This was raw, this was personal, but it was, thus far, easier to bemoan the losses of the past than deal with the confusion of the present. But he could hardly leave that out there, fluttering in the cruel wind. He looked down at his mug, but watched her from lowered brows.

"What is it," he began quietly, "you think there is to pursue, here? You had a dream. A dream which, whatever you say, may or may not have been influenced by the lonely fantasies of an old man with a tenuous grasp on reality, not to mention decorum. You speak as though you'd be ... giving something up, to forget about it. When any rational being in the universe would see the balance in exactly the opposite way."

When Luke admitted that there had been "people," the majority of Rey's mind calmly thought that yes, okay, that made sense, everyone has people at some point in their lives and that was to be expected. But there was a smaller, more immature part of her that rustled uncomfortably, and it took her a few moments to realize that it was jealousy. Seriously? She was feeling jealous of people she hadn't even met, over things that had likely happened before she'd even been born?

That should have put things in perspective for her, insofar as how unconventional the thought of the two of them together in any romantic fashion really was. Instead, she shoved whatever doubts she might have ever had aside as she listened to Luke, understanding that he was telling her things he'd had no intention of ever telling her - or, possibly, anyone - just a day or two ago. She wouldn't disrespect him by not listening or by getting caught up by doubts now.

"If you're with someone, they should be able to accept you. All of you. Your celebrity and your normalcy, your devotion to them and your duty as a Jedi. And you should be able to do the same for them. If you can't, then they weren't the person for you. But the funny thing about people is that the galaxy is full of them. Just because it had never worked out in the past doesn't mean there aren't still billions more people to meet with whom it can work. If that's something you find yourself wanting, you deserve to pursue it, just like any other living being searching for companionship."

Rey's problem had been that she'd never wanted that, not with any of the people she'd met. But now... now she did. And it was because of Luke. So while that might not have been part of her own greater mission, there was no harm in seeing where things went. Right?

"If I forgot about the dream, about how it - ... about how you'd made me feel, then I'm just lying to myself, ignoring a basic truth staring me right in the face whenever I look at you. I can't keep doing that. I can't go through life just ignoring major truths because they're too complicated or uncomfortable to address."

She tried to tell herself that she was only thinking about her feelings for Luke, and not about any uncomfortable truths she'd been ignoring about her family. She almost believed it.

Part of him knew that she was, to some degree, misplacing her energy. She needed to strike out, yes, but this wasn't the grand adventure that called to her. This, whatever it was, was secondary. Maybe lower down than that. The worlds opening up before her now had little to do with paltry, ordinary sexual awakening.

But what did Luke really know of anything like that?

"And yet, being uncomfortable isn't reason enough to push the issue," he sighed. He shook his head, thinking of her optimistic little view of relationships, her offering him advice about what people should or should not have been able to deal with. As if it were so simple, and now, here she was. His head was spinning, the memory of his own body's awakening not entirely dismissed despite his earlier efforts. How could he forget, with her sitting there, blithely arguing he should... what? Give in to a gross violation of the teacher/student pact?

You never even wanted a student, a very irritating part of his brain reminded him.

"It's not exactly been a priority for me, Rey. In my life, there's been little room for... for that sort of connection. There was always something more important going on. And then..."

He fell silent, chin lowering to his chest as he started into his tea.

"I came here, at first, to regroup. To seek some wisdom that had, perhaps, eluded me. Something that could help me turn the tide of darkness. As time went on, as... it became clear I could not, it became more about avoiding the pain I had created. Mine, yes, but not only that. I came here to avoid creating more. And because I knew I did not deserve forgiveness, because I cannot... undo what's been done."

He looked up at her.

"I'd given up expecting anyone to even look. I'd given up the thought of any sort of human connection. Two days ago, I'd have said that, for all intents and purposes, I was already dead."

Rey didn't want to be pushy. She didn't even know what she was pushing for, exactly. She had no idea how this sort of thing worked between two normal people, never mind two people with their own set of peculiar circumstances. It didn't matter to her that he was older than her, and it didn't matter to her that he was her teacher. She was attracted to him, and what was the point in denying that?

If Luke didn't want her, then she would drop it. And even if he did want her, but was too uncomfortable to really pursue anything in good conscience, she would still drop it. But if he didn't want to pursue anything simply because it didn't fit into some societal view of what was appropriate... well, it wasn't as though either of them had much use for society at large, so that would be a little silly.

Still, she stayed silent and listened to him speak, frowning a little as he alluded to past mistakes. She didn't know the whole of it, and at this point, he may well simply have been wrongfully shouldering the entirety of the blame for his nephew's fall to the Dark Side. That thought left her feeling the need to reach out to him that much stronger.

Getting up, Rey slowly approached him, almost as though she was concerned about scaring him off. "And now?" she asked softly, wanting to reach out to him but just barely managing to keep herself from doing so. "Did you realize that you still have a pulse?"

Luke watched her move closer, warily, like an animal willing to be tamed but allowed to run feral for years and uncertain whether he was facing friend or foe. At her question, he laughed shortly, surprised into the sound.

"That's one way to put it," he said slowly. He wondered, absurdly, how Ben would have reacted if he'd said these things all those years ago on Tatooine. Not that it had ever occurred to him to do to--Obi-Wan Kenobi had been a crazy old hermit, not a legend, and had meant something more like a father to him than anything else. He wondered why Rey was different. He wondered if it was something he should worry about. He certainly wasn't going to give in, because he was the adult here and he knew what happened when Jedi gave into their emotions.

Or was it that he knew what happened when they didn't?

His brow furrowed at the intrusive thought. Not that he'd encountered this exact issue before, but what was the lesson to be drawn? Which experience was the right one to look to, the one where denial of connection led to anger and loss of compassion, or the one where being too close to a person blinded him to the complexity of their darkness?

"But that, I can almost understand," he spoke, mouth deciding for him not to think about either. "No matter how inappropriate, no one could ever call me crazy for thinking you beautiful or... or blame me for, however unconsciously, desiring a connection." He shook his head. "My pulse notwithstanding, why yours should be affected is a mystery."

She stopped, not liking the wary way he watched her, as though he was expecting her to do something without his explicit consent. Aside from the hug earlier, she hadn't even touched him, though she'd made it quite obvious that she wanted to, just as he'd made it clear that he'd wanted to touch her. But she was going to defer to him throughout all of this; not only did he have more experience in these matters, but while her solitude had made her eager to experience everything life had had to offer, his had only made him cagey.

When he spoke, Rey found herself caught off-guard, blinking at him in surprise. "You think I'm beautiful?" She supposed that made sense, yes. Attraction had to do with more than whether or not someone was just there and available. Still... no one had ever called Rey beautiful before. Even the compliments she had managed to garner while on Jakku had been crude and disgusting, which had been part of why she'd been so quick to learn how to defend herself.

Still, she didn't want to be looked at as some foolish little girl whose head could be turned just by being told she was pretty, so she tried to get past that, shaking her head as though to clear it. "Are you saying people would call me crazy?" she asked dryly, a small chuckle coloring her words. "Well... it's a good thing I don't care about what people think."

Rey moved towards him again, tilting her head as she really looked at Luke. "You're handsome," she told him, as though having decided it right at that moment. "I don't know why you would think otherwise. When you smile... it brightens your entire face and makes me want to make you smile even more. There's a kindness inside you that years of isolation couldn't extinguish, and I see it most when you smile. And even when you don't, it's there in your eyes the whole time. And beyond that...."

At that, she shrugged, stopping directly in front of him and having to make a conscious effort not to touch him. "Attraction isn't measured by appearances. It's something deeper than that, isn't it? If you don't believe that... see for yourself." Instead of touching him, she essentially invited him to make that contact instead, reaching her hand out, palm-up, silently telling him that he was welcome to take her pulse if he disbelieved her.

The idea that anyone who looked like her could not know they were exquisite was absurd. No matter how little exposure she'd had to society, she'd met people, right? She'd met Han, for that matter--though, Luke reminded himself, even Han wasn't nearly so lecherous as to think about touching a girl her age. Plus, he'd probably had a lot of other things on his mind.

Which Luke really should, as well. The thought that Han Solo was better at keeping it in his pants than Luke Skywalker was almost insulting. To both of them.

As she spoke, moving towards him, Luke wanted to protest. He didn't need a lecture on the nature of attraction, or a paean to his beauty. Because that was not the point and not what either of them was here for. But if he admitted that, he had to admit that they were here for another reason. And that would suggest a course of action. Action that was decidedly not checking out and dying alone.

Unbeknownst to him, her words were effecting a change in his expression, a smile curling around the corners of his eyes and almost reaching his mouth, but a smile of surprise and not a little wonder. Was there any kindness left in him? He did wonder that. But for her to think she saw it, for her to hold that mirror up, it showed him a self he'd thought lost.

He wanted to see more. He was tired of his own thoughts, tired of his own cracked mirror image, seen only in the reflection of a terrified boy he'd betrayed. Maybe he only deserved to define himself by Kylo Ren's hatred, but he wanted something else in the way a plant could not help but want the sun. And it was being offered to him, freely.

Almost without thought, his hand reached out, calloused fingers brushing hers as he cautiously reached out with the Force, the very thing that had started this whole mess to begin with. He was not wholly open--he kept wraps on some of his darker feelings--but in his energy she'd be able to read not only his fear of failure and his trepidation at letting anyone in but, underneath, a deep well of loneliness, attuned specifically to her presence and the feelings she had evoked with her nerve and spirit.

Rey didn't really spend all that much time in front of a mirror while growing up. And even if she had, she'd seen all sorts of people when she visited the Niima Outpost. While she still thought of her former boss as an ugly blobfish, that had more to do with the fact that he was a reprehensible cheat who routinely pitted the scavengers against one another, and less to do with his actual appearance. She did think him ugly, but his personality hadn't really helped make it easy to look at him.

Whatever most people considered attractive, though, was beyond her. She was used to her own face, and so she had no real opinion of it whatsoever. Finn and Han and even Chewie had been nicer to look at than most of the people she saw on a day to day basis, but it wasn't as though she'd had much in the way of calm, private moments with any of them before someone would start shooting or yelling or shooting while yelling.

Luke, though.... She'd meant what she'd said, about the sense of kindness hiding behind his gruff features. He'd eventually relented and agreed to teach her about the Force, after all, and despite how hard he had to work to gather his food resources, he shared them freely enough. And despite their rather rocky start, Rey got the impression that he actually wanted her around, and no one had ever made her feel that way before.

She could see the crinkling around his eyes indicative of an oncoming smile, and it made Rey smile back at him in return. There it was. That easy, sweet expression that made it so clear to see what kind of person he'd been in his youth, before his alleged failures had jaded him. Before she could say anything about it, she felt his fingers brushing against hers, and that disorienting flood of another person's emotions washed over her.

Instinctively gripping his hand, Rey closed her eyes to get a better feel for what he was sharing with her, unknowingly leaving herself wide open. They were both lonely, yes, but Rey's loneliness had always been interrupted by a sudden and seemingly unending flood of people, overwhelming her and making her retreat into herself even more. But since coming to Ahch-To, she'd finally had the chance to talk to someone one on one, to get to know someone and feel comfortable with him, and the bond she'd formed with Luke subsequently became stronger than any she'd ever had with anyone before. She hadn't expected any of her only partly-formed feelings to be reciprocated, but after finding out that they were, she had no qualms with taking things further and moving towards the next logical step.

She just... didn't know what that was.

Hazy, half-formed dreams were the best idea she had, so she thought back on those, though all that had really made sense to her and so stuck with her had been feelings, sensations and sounds that she'd only ever experienced in the privacy of her own bunk. She knew that probably wasn't the most appropriate thing to fall back on, but hopefully Luke would understand that her experience with any sort of intimacy was non-existent, and so it wasn't as though she necessarily had a strong drive to jump straight into that sort of thing without any sort of lead-up.

The thing that no one had ever really figured out about Luke was that he had a hard time saying no.

Not in the sense that he was a pushover, or unable to hold to principles. It was more that he had always hungered for connection, and had, for the most part, been kept at arm's length at best. His lack of parents, while helped by Owen and Beru, had made him feel isolated and different. His small peer group had also seen him as odd and almost an afterthought. In the Rebellion, he'd been an upstart, then a hero, then a legend. Never a friend or a peer. And even before Ben, he'd felt locked out of what Han and Leia had had, not just their relationship but those like it.

And yet, all his life he had reached out. He had searched the horizon for a friend, a companion, a destiny. He'd reached back for Vader not five minutes after learning the worst truth he'd ever faced. He'd reached for Leia before even knowing the depth of their connection. He'd thrown himself into his role as Jedi Master in the hopes it would mean creating a safe place, a connection, for all those like him who had had nothing.

The fact that each of those things had utterly failed had embittered him, but not changed the reality of his nature. Luke had been disappointed in relationships his whole life, while wanting and needing them more than most ever did.

So he was doomed from the beginning here, really. As bitter as he was, he was not equipped to stave her off for long. Not when any sort of contact was being offered. But even so, he'd not prepared himself for this.

The onslaught, not of gentle, amorphous feelings of goodwill or even affection but actual straight up desire took him by surprise. Fingers tightened against hers, and he gasped, as a remembered sensation passed from her to him, mapped onto a body he'd seen only in his dreams and felt in his own. In return his own thoughts tumbled, her legs twined with his, skin on skin, warmth spreading, imagining his lips being the stimulus to create those sounds and feelings in her, imagining mapping out her responses with the added benefit of being able to feel them himself, their bond even deeper and more complete as they strove to become one as people not like them could never hope to. Their own private haven, free from fears and failures.

Embarrassed, Luke's eyes flew open as he felt himself respond physically to the suggestions in his mind, as blood rushed both to his cheeks and significantly lower down.

Luke's real downfall in all of this was Rey's utter stubbornness. Once she set it to mind to do something, she wouldn't stop until she did it. Luckily, she had no intention of seducing Luke, or of making him do anything he didn't want to do. Instead, she'd been determined to make her feelings known, and to make him confront his own feelings, even if only to himself.

But despite that, she hadn't expected her inexperienced attempt at conveying her emotions and desires to be met with such reciprocation. She'd known of his desires thanks to that shared dream, but to feel those urges coming from him all over again, that passion and urge and need all tumbling together and forming something that made her skin flush and her pulse race and her breath hitch... she probably should have seen that coming, but she just hadn't.

It felt complete and fulfilling and perfect, and that was... sort of scary, in its own way. Perfection wasn't a concept with which she was familiar in the least, since everything she'd ever worked on had always had some room for improvement. But the thought of being with Luke, of feeling him inside her and around her and enveloping her in both body and mind... if there was anything more perfect than that, she didn't know if she would be able to handle it.

Rather than pull her hand away, she found her fingers tightening around him as she stared at him wide-eyed and flustered. "I-... I didn't mean that!" Realizing how that sounded, she winced and corrected herself immediately. "No, I mean-... I meant that, I did, but I-... I didn't mean for things to go there, not right away. I think about other things! It's just... I've never thought about that before, not about anyone else."

Too much. It was too much, and he knew it, and should have known it and stopped himself. But disuse had not made his impulses more disciplined. If anything, isolation had eroded the temperance age should have brought. He'd upset her. Or repulsed her. Or...

But she hadn't pulled away. Just stared at him with an expression half as distressed and twice as charming as he felt.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, thinking he should move away and not doing it. His metal hand rose defensively. "That was... I'm not... Look, I haven't spoken to a women in years, much less touched... I mean, I didn't mean that, either. Not... ohhh, kriff."

He stopped himself, took a breath, and with his other hand patted the seat beside him.

"You'd think I was a teenager," he mused, shaking his head. "I suppose there's no denying I have... feelings for you." He peered at her closely. "And I can't pretend you don't, even if I can't quite understand it. I'm notoriously bad at holding back or doing anything by half-measures, but don't worry. I think diving into something like that would kill me, at this point."

"No," she told him just as quickly as he apologized. "No, don't be-... I know what you meant, I think, at least I'm pretty sure-...." She was talking over him, they were talking over each other, and that didn't make for very good communication at all, but she couldn't stop herself from rambling, much as she tried.

Worrying at her lower lips with her teeth, Rey tried not to look defeated as she sat down besides Luke, sitting perhaps a bit closer than she had the day before and still holding onto his hand. She still felt embarrassed, not wanting him to think that she was just some touch-starved young girl who couldn't be trusted alone with a grown man. Though honestly, it was hard not to feel that way.

Letting out a small, humorless laugh at his last comment, Rey replied, "I wouldn't want to kill you, I know that much." She hesitated for a moment before she was able to meet his eyes, her hand eventually seeming to finally gather up the nerve to experimentally take proper hold of his.

"I don't know what I want," she told him earnestly, voice low. "But I do know that I... I like being with you. Talking, eating, learning; being with you just feels right. And given last night... I think it's obvious I'd like to do more with you. With the feeling being mutual, I don't think there's any need to dive into anything. We can just... lean into it, instead."

It was quite a change, from his trying everything he could to ignore her, then drive her away, then offer to train her but only in the sense that he needed her to understand she would not find what she was looking for in the teachings of the Jedi--or in him.

So how had he somehow acquiesced to being her... what? Lover? Was he actually entertaining that thought?

Clearly, it was more than a thought, at this point. He felt a little like Ben Kenobi was stridently protesting that Luke was once again going off half-cocked, only he was Ben and Luke, in this scenario. Which, if he needed more evidence that he'd become unhinged over the past few years, he was getting it.

He kept staring at their hands entwined. Maybe because it was such an alien sight, or maybe because it was safer than looking at her face. But her hand looked so strong and smooth next to his, and it still seemed wrong, for him to covet something so lovely, when he'd done nothing to deserve it. He'd been lovely, once. He thought. Maybe. Not that it had seemed to matter, back then. Not to the right people, anyway.

"All right," he said finally, the words coming slowly. "I can't promise to be... anything you expect. But I'm in no shape to push you away. And I would be lying if I said I... don't like being with you." He nodded, more to himself than anything. "I'm not sure I know how to be with... people. Anymore."

Despite the fact that it was very, very obvious what both Rey and Luke had fantasized about, and it was more than a little clear what they'd been talking about just now, she would still balk a little at the idea that they were talking about becoming lovers. That felt like something far too intimate considering her complete and utter lack of experience in these matters. She'd never even kissed anyone yet.

... yet.

She watched him as he stared at their joined hands, looking him over carefully. He seemed hesitant, but not necessarily reluctant. That was fine. She could deal with a little hesitation and thoughtfulness so long as he wasn't being reluctant. She didn't want to feel as though she was forcing Luke into anything.

At his words, she smiled a little, still afraid to be completely relieved or feel anything overwhelmingly positive. Her life had taught her that too much optimism was just a set-up for disappointment.

"I don't know what to expect, and people have never been my strong point anyway," she told him softly. Giving his hand a squeeze, she widened her smile a bit and added, "But if you like being with me, then all I ask is that you don't feel as though you have to hold back, or hide away in dreams. You can be open with me about what you want. I encourage it. And I hope I can be open with you."

Luke huffed, a bit, though it was almost a laugh rather than almost a grunt. "I wasn't hiding," he protested lightly. "Or at least, not from you. Don't you see, I don't... I don't want to want anything." He squeezed her hand back. It felt odd, but he was growing more accustomed to the touch as time went on. "That was the point, in coming here. Not to need anyone." And the only way to do that, for him, had been to disentangle himself from everyone.

Because it was fairly obvious what happened, given half the chance at a connection with another human.

"I would never want you to be anything but completely honest," he added. "And I will try to be the same, with you. Though that may not always be easy, for me. Or... possible."

It hadn't always been that way. He'd been so brash, as a young man. So forward. What had happened?

"You don't need me," she told him with laughter in her voice. She hesitated for a moment before cheekily adding, "You might want me, but you certainly don't need me. And even if you did, that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. People... need people, sometimes."

Rey had never needed anyone, but she'd be a liar if she claimed that the thought of one day finding her family or finding that missing part of herself hadn't been a major motivator for her throughout her life. So maybe she didn't need Luke specifically, but... if she let herself cross this bridge, she might just end up needing him the way she needed air. That was a scary thought.

And yet....

"You can tell me anything, Luke, or do anything," she assured him softly, lightly grasping their clasped hands with her free one. "Who would I tell? A porg? I think they have other things to concern themselves with."

It was odd, how every word sent a thrill through him that carried in its wake a flare of an old pain, as if with every renewed burst of life or energy came the reminder why he'd given up on all of it. And yet, he didn't think he could go back, now.

Which was a lie, of course. He didn't want to.

"You think this is about what other people would think?" he said wonderingly, watching her face. Wasn't being seen by her enough to terrify him? Wasn't what she thought enough, even without the added tension of the attraction between them?

"Well-... why else would you not tell me something? You'd have to be worried about what someone might think about it, right? And if you already know that you can tell me anything without worrying about me judging you for it, then...."

They were virtually alone on an island, away from anyone who might understand or care about society's rules for this sort of thing. They could make up their own rules as they went along, and Rey had every intention of doing just that... though she'd hesitate if Luke continued to show too many reservations about it all. After all, despite that shared dream of theirs, Rey was more than happy to simply sit there besides Luke and talk with him; being able to hold his hand while doing so now was just a surprise added bonus.

His hand twitched slightly, as if trying to decide whether to stay in her grasp, and he sighed.

"I've... done things," he said after a moment, the words falling heavily in the quiet room. "Things it is hard for me to talk about. Things I've never talked about. I had reasons for coming here, Rey. Reasons that have to do with the safety of others, but not only that."

There were things he had trouble admitting to himself, let alone another person. Rey might not judge, but she could not understand. And nothing would make him feel better about what he'd done.

"And I thought you'd come here on holiday."

The low words were clearly meant to be a joke, but she knew that this wasn't the sort of situation where levity would help matters. While his hand might have twitched in hers, she gave his a squeeze as she moved a little closer to him, wanting him to know that she was being sincere as she continued to speak quietly.

"Everyone has a past, Luke. And I'm not here to tell you to forget about your past and move on. I just want to remind you that you also have a future. And, if you'll let me, I'd like to be part of it. In whatever way you'll let me."

He wasn't dead enough not to realize it was kind of funny. Still, he didn't laugh, and the slight smile it had elicited had begun to fade as he searched her face as well as his own feelings for how to respond. You also have a future.

"I came here," he said softly, with an odd gentleness as if what he was saying might hurt her, "so that I wouldn't."

At first, his words didn't entirely make sense. She frowned slightly, then realized, "So that you wouldn't have a future?" Short of him coming here with the intention of actively killing himself, that didn't make sense to Rey. Every choice we made impacted how our futures would turn out. As a Jedi Master, he had to have known that.

"Clearly that didn't work out so well," she told him evenly. "Because I've found you, and I told you I'm not leaving this island without you. So you're either going to rejoin society, or else we're going to have to find some way to keep ourselves occupied for a long time."

This time, Luke did laugh.

"This is the first morning in years I've woken up more worried about today than the day before," he said, shaking his head at the enormity of all that implied, simple as it sounded. "One thing at a time, all right? 'Lean into it.'"

He was barely ready to admit he didn't mind so much the feeling of being alive, let alone planning for some future he'd never wanted. What came next? Was anyone's guess, and he had no idea how to go about even starting to know.

Rey wasn't sure if it was entirely a good thing that he'd woken up worried, though she really couldn't say anything on that score; after all, she'd woken up in a panic. But that seemed so long ago now, after they'd gotten all this in the open and she knew she hadn't simply had a depraved dream.

"Lean into it," she echoed softly. Nodding gently, she managed a small smile as she decided, "I can do that."

Of course, she meant it in a slightly different way than he did, given the way she leaned forward, gingerly setting her head on Luke's shoulder.

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