coolhandluke | Ahch-To, Baby

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Ahch-To, Baby

There were a lot of things Luke hadn't asked himself in the years since arriving on Ach-To. Some because he didn't want to know--or imagine--the answers. Some because there was no reason to borrow more trouble than he already had, and the litany of regrets was already long enough. Some because, well, they just weren't thinks that Luke Skywalker ever thought of.

Like the fact that he looked like some old Jedi hermit, complete with beard and unkempt hair and dingy robes. It hadn't exactly been part of the plan, but then, there hadn't been anyone to comment, or even a mirror.

That was the outside, however. Inside, something in Luke had died long ago, stopping in its tracks. Meeting himself, he would have assumed wisdom and calm, if a little eccentricity. But that hadn't been why Luke had come here, and it hadn't been what he'd found. No, it wasn't the Jedi Master who had retreated. It was the scared farm-boy, who'd flown too high and been brought crashing to ground. It was Luke from Tatooine, who had tried to be Master Skywalker, the hero, and failed.

That was what he'd been running from. That expectation, and his failure at it. That, and the disaster he knew his presence would bring to what was left of what he and the Rebellion had built, if Ben knew where he was. Better, he'd thought, to close himself off and shut down before he hurt anyone else. By his own hand, or by leading Kylo Ren to exact revenge.

It was not so simple a thing, however, to die. Unwilling to take any more lives, including his own, he lingered. Unwilling to open himself up to the Force, he nevertheless existed within it, his body sustained by it as much as by the food he caught. For awhile it seemed that he would just continue, in a sort of limbo of his own making, unwilling to make a move that would upset the galaxy even further than his presence already had.

Until she came.

Rey held a mirror up to him, one he wasn't always willing to gaze into but one from which it was impossible to escape--not least because she simply wouldn't go away. At first resentful, he quickly became resigned.

And then, suddenly, he became expectant. Not hopeful--he would not go so far as to say that--but there came a morning when he realized he would be disappointed to find her gone, given up. Despite his fear, despite his warnings, he wanted her to persist.

Maybe because he hadn't. And as much shame as he felt over that fact, the shame was at least an emotion. And as much as he'd tried to suppress those over the past years, the irritation at her arrival had begun to wear away at his resolve like grains of sand until emotions he'd thought long buried began to unearth themselves.

The truth was, Luke Skywalker was every bit the mess he looked. And yet, the longer she stayed, the less he could find it within himself to resent it. He'd been too long alone, and too long waiting. It only stood to reason that he'd bend to the first wind that came.

Wasn't how this had all started, to begin with?

The sun had barely risen when he took position, waiting outside the hut she'd claimed, unwilling to seem too eager but having to quash a small stirring of impatience, just the same. Warnings not to get too close, too attached, flickered in his mind's eye like a glitched holovid. But Luke had never once detached from anything--and if going to the most remote location he could find hadn't done it, he didn't know that it was worth trying, anymore.

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Luke chuckled. It might have been the first laugh he'd expressed in years. "I don't know if it was in the way you mean," he offered. "I was... probably about your age. And half as worldly. I looked like I'd never left the farm, if you know what I mean. At least, that's what Han told me, later..."

He shook his head, lost for a moment in nostalgia, until she spoke again.

"Now that... that's something I can't explain," he mused, almost to himself. He'd refused to acknowledge the saber when handed to him. Refused to entertain the natural curiosity at its presence on the island, in the hands of this girl. He was breaking his own self-imposed exile by entertaining it now--almost as if he'd forgotten to keep it in place. "I don't know how Maz got hold of it. Last time I saw it..."

He trailed off again, lost in another type of memory.

The idea that anyone could be less worldly than Rey struck her as funny, but she didn't say as much. She liked to think that no one would look at her and assume she was naive. So if that was the way Luke had meant it, she'll take his word for it, though it was still something of a difficult mental image when compared to the stories she'd heard of how he'd go on to save the galaxy.

She also tried not to think of how long ago it had been since Luke had been her age. That made her feel odd, though she had no rational reason as to why.

"She didn't tell me how she got it," Rey explained. "But then I was sort of... preoccupied at the time, so I might not have been listening. It's all a little hazy." Except it wasn't. She just liked to pretend that it was hazy, since it felt as though she somehow had less responsibility that way.

"I only know that it had called out to me, and no matter how hard I ran... well, I still wound up with it, in the end. Maybe it just knew that I would be able to reunite it with you, though that might be giving it too much credit, for it not being sentient."

Luke looked at her a long moment, wondering how much to say. He'd vowed not to do this, not to teach her, not to pass on the knowledge of an order that had sown so much pain and sorrow. The lightsaber itself was antiquated and outdated, not to mention a symbol, now, of everything Luke had tried to deny by coming here. His tossing away of Anakin's--Rey's, he reminded himself--was not merely a petty gesture. It had almost physically hurt, seeing it again.

"I would not be too quick to dismiss the motives of the Force, when it comes to that," he said finally. "Though I would be equally hesitant to assume I knew what those motives are." The idea that the Force wanted him reunited with the weapon sat uneasily with him. "It was passed on to me by Obi-Wan. It has now passed to you." He didn't want it back.

A lightsaber was just a hunk of metal that emitted a plasma blade; the Force couldn't have a hand in something completely inorganic like that. Could it? "I don't-...." She didn't know what to say, given that Luke knew more about these matters than she did.

"I didn't want it," she murmured with a frown, looking away. "I didn't want any of this. I didn't want what it would do to my life, keeping me away from Jakku for so long and throwing me in the middle of all... this."

But even as she said it, she looked around, and even the lonely island that Luke had chosen for his self-imposed exile was a far more hospitable place than Jakku. "I still say that, whatever the Force might ultimately have had in mind, I was meant to find you and bring that lightsaber back to you. What you do with that is entirely up to you."

"It's yours," he said, not dismissively, but firmly. "And the fact you had reasons to want to wait on Jakku does not mean you weren't longing for something else." He tilted his head, watching her. He had not pried, but he had touched her mind. She couldn't tell him she'd been content there, alone. She couldn't tell him she hadn't wanted something else.

Maybe, he thought, not this. Not poking at an old sand bear, light years from anything like her purpose or family.

She hated that he kept insisting that the lightstaber was hers, though Rey couldn't deny what she'd said. She hadn't wanted it. Past tense. Now...

Now it gave her a sense of purpose, and she'd never had that before. It was exciting. But it wasn't without a sense of irrational guilt as she wondered over whether her family was currently wildly scanning the deserts of Jakku in search of her.

But even Luke had found his father after having left Tatooine, a father that he'd been told had died years before. Maybe staying on Jakku had been the very reason she hadn't found her parents.

"I just... wanted to feel as though someone cared about me," she murmured softly. "Staying on Jakku was all I knew to do to achieve that. Leaving meant possibly never coming face to face with anyone who would know anything about the little girl who'd been left with Unkar Plutt years back." It was why she'd always tried to never directly antagonize the ugly Blobfish, since he'd been the only link she'd had to her life before being a scavenger.

Luke's gaze wasn't outright disbelieving, but he definitely harbored his doubts about her family. His own had not exactly been around, but all things considered it had made sense, why he'd grown up without them. And he'd had Owen and Beru. And, it turned out, Ben. To leave this girl on Jakku, with no life but to comb through junk for scraps?

Somehow that was far worse than what Vader had done to him. And whoever it was either had their reasons or didn't deserve her. Either way, waiting for them didn't seem like the answer.

"Do you still feel that?" he asked, belatedly surprised to hear the words coming out of his mouth. "That no one cares?"

Really, Rey had made significant progress. While she still clung to the desperate hope that she'd one day find her family, she at least understood now that it was irrational to put her life on hold until that day came. If she'd done that, she never would have known she was Force-sensitive, and she'd never have been set on her current path... wherever that might lead.

At Luke's question, Rey fell silent for a moment before slowly shrugging. "Honestly? I'm fairly certain no one would notice if I stayed here and never came back. Except maybe Finn, if he wakes up from his coma. And you, of course, but likely because you'd be wondering when I was going to hurry up and leave."

Watching her face, hearing her words, Luke almost--almost--reached out. But he didn't. It would have felt unnatural, that simple comforting gesture. And yet... and yet, there was a twinge of pain, that he'd let her think that.

Of course she thought that. He'd done everything he could to discourage her.

"That's... not true," he said after a moment. "If I seem in a hurry to get rid of you, it's..." He stopped, the words catching in his throat with unaccustomed emotion. His right hand clenched at his side. "I've removed myself. From the fight. From the... from anywhere I can negatively impact anyone ever again." He held up a hand, as if to forestall her protestation of that. "I didn't do it to drag anyone else out with me. I don't want you gone because I want you to go away. I want you gone because you should be anywhere else."

He heaved a sigh and sat back, staring at the sea. It had taken a lot, that admission, and he was still unsure if he should have voiced it. It was too raw, after all these years, admitting he was lonely. However indirectly.

As soon as he claimed it wasn't true, Rey just barely managed to resist the urge to roll her eyes, though the look she gave him was one of barely-veiled amusement. She was sure that his words were meant to be simply placating, and she was about to tell him that she didn't need him to try and make her feel better when it was obvious that he wanted her gone.

Except... his words quickly made that clear that that wasn't entirely true. It wasn't as though Luke had any reason to try and be nice to her; honestly, Rey would be surprised to find that he still knew how to be "nice," at least in the sense of empty etiquettepl. That sort of thing happened after spending so long in isolation.

But if he'd just said he didn't want her gone because he wanted her to go away, did that mean...? "So... you don't want me to go away?"

It might not have been the best thing to take away from his comment, but the thought of actually being wanted was so bizarre to Rey that she didn't quite know how to wrap her mind around that. The Resistance needed her, yes, but that was largely because of what she was capable of. Luke had made it clear that he didn't need anyone. Whether or not he wanted anyone, though, was still a question.

She hesitated for a moment before shifting a little closer to him, tilting her head to look at him and wanting him to meet her gaze. "If that's the case, then maybe I'm exactly where I should be."

You know what else happened in isolation? The inability to regulate one's response to actually having company, another being close enough to touch and focused on oneself. Why had he let her into his mind? Or maybe it was his problem--yes. It was him, unused to such contact and reacting inappropriately. Nothing had happened that couldn't be rewound. He'd tripped up, in revealing to her the extent of his loneliness, but then, he'd not even been aware of it until... well, now.

He shifted uncomfortably on the stone wall and his eyes slid to hers and away again.

"I told you," he said after a moment, his voice rough. "There's nothing for you here."

There was nothing she'd seen in Luke's mind that had been unfamiliar or off-putting; if anything, it had been so similar to her own mindset that she didn't know whether to feel relieved or sorry for him. She knew very well what it was like to be alone. The only difference between them was that, after finding BB-8 and Finn, she also knew what it was like not to be alone anymore. It felt good. Safe. Warm. Better than anything else she could remember feeling.

And she wanted Luke to feel the same way.

"There's you," she told him softly as she slowly reached out to lightly touch his hand. "That's more than I've had for most in my life."

He stared at her hand on his, like it was an unfamiliar limb. He wasn't used to being this off-kilter, but he was vaguely aware that he was losing his hold on the situation. He'd been doing fine--not living, exactly, but existing until he finally didn't. There was no loneliness, no need, because there was nothing.

Now, with this disruption, he was equally unable to process the feelings or to push her away. And it was getting harder, the worse his unbalance got. He needed to meditate on this. Find a way to, if not close the door, deal with what was coming through.

He didn't want to feel safe. He didn't deserve it.

"Rey, no," he said quietly. "You can't... you shouldn't put your faith in me. Whatever you think I can give you..." He shook his head. "I can't."

"... you already are," she told him, a touch of confusion in her voice. "It's not a conscious choice. It's just... hard to be lonely when you're alone with someone else. It's a good thing, Master Skywalker. There's no harm in accepting a good thing when it comes your way."

That was something that Rey had needed a little time to accept, herself. She wished she'd been able to recognize Han Solo as the good thing he'd been in her life while he was still around.

She wasn't going to turn a blind eye to what Luke was, or what he could be to her.

There's no harm in accepting a good thing when it comes your way.

He'd believed that, once. Time and again, he'd accepted the unexpected into his life--after, sometimes, a short struggle--and believed it to be for the best. Until Ben. Until what had come his way had been himself, and that had been disastrous.

He couldn't accept the responsibility for ruining another life. Not again. And this girl, this fiercely independent soul, was looking to him for guidance he couldn't give himself. And he was leaning in, despite all his training and his defenses. Which, it turned out, were for naught. He was rusty. And tired. And she had no idea either how dangerous he was to her, or how much a danger she posed to his equilibrium here.

"The lesson is over," he said unnecessarily, standing up abruptly. "As is this conversation." He stood for a moment, head bowed, struggling with how to apologize when he wasn't sure what for, or why he needed to get away. "The... demonstration today has left me in need of time to meditate. I suggest you occupy yourself with your exercises."

There. That would have to be polite enough for now. He didn't know what he'd do if she followed him, so he didn't look back. Instead, he strode off away from the dwellings, lamenting the fact he'd shown her his own private valley.

But it wasn't her he needed to get away from. The hollow feeling followed him, dogging his attempts to walk it off or meditate. It was the difference between mere absence, and lacking. Somehow, she'd blown a human-shaped hole in his composure, and the stiffness of his awakening humanity pained him. The patterns of his normal life here no longer made sense, though he tried to go through the motions.

He kept seeing her eyes, hearing her words. Feeling that little tug towards her as he remembered the warmth rushing in to meet him as he opened himself up to her probing senses. He could not allow himself to feel that again. It shook his resolve. To what, he was not yet certain.

He spent the rest of the day avoiding her, though returning again and again to their conversation in his mind. And at night, lying on his pallet in his stone hut, he waited for sleep to claim him, not aware that it was not entirely his conscious mind which was holding on...

Rey couldn't pretend not to be disappointed when Luke unceremoniously concluded their conversation. The lesson had been over for some time, as far as she'd been concerned, and she'd been sitting with Luke and talking with him because she was genuinely enjoying it. For him to simply get up and walk away... it left her wondering over what she'd said or done to push him away from her.

As she'd picked up their dishes and washed them, though, she'd tried to take it as a hopeful sign that Luke was going to go and meditate about what they'd talked about today. Maybe it would be the first step in him deciding to come back to the Resistance with her. And maybe it was the start of a regular occurrence of such intimate talks between them.

One of those meant more to her than the other, and it wasn't the one that should have.

But she kept telling herself that she was only happy that Luke was possibly finally coming around, because she had to believe that her pleasure was the selfless sort. After all, that was what being a Jedi was about, wasn't it? Selflessly acting towards the greater good?

The fact that it meant she and Luke could continue their friendship even after the First Order was finally gone was just a bonus.

But as the day went on and turned into night, Rey began to grow worried, not having seen Luke again. She didn't think anything had happened to him, but it was still a little concerning that he wouldn't come by to say anything else to her throughout the day. As she lay in her hut and stared up at the ceiling, she could feel her worry eating at her the more she told herself she was being foolish; it was almost like a physical entity that was keeping her from sleep.

It took a long time for her to realize that not all of these feelings were her own, and she looked towards the window, in the general direction of where she knew Luke slept. Or where he was trying to sleep. Or where he was dreaming. It was hard to tell, but it felt almost as though their earlier connection had opened up again, and she could feel things that were coursing through his mind, hazy thoughts and regrets and emotions that were far too mature for her own mind.

It was all too tempting to peek into his head, to make her presence known as she tried to sooth over his uncertainties. But even though this connection had formed accidentally, she didn't want him thinking that she'd been poking her nose in where it didn't belong. That might sever the trust between them, and she didn't want that.

So she did what a normal, non-Force-sensitive person would do when they were worried about the well-being of a friend. She got up and left her hut, a blanket draped over her shoulders to protect from the slight chill in the night air as she moved towards where she assumed Luke was sleeping, or trying to sleep, or pretending to sleep. She hesitated for a moment at the door before knocking just loudly enough to be heard over the crashing waves, hoping she hadn't alienated him earlier and wasn't currently doing anything to alienate him further.

He was drifting.

Between fitful sleep and wakefulness, but also along the threads of the conversation they'd had--and his connection to her. He'd been so long without practice, not only with emotional connection but also with his connection to the Force. And it turned out, his shields were used to being complete and fully in place. By lowering them just that much, he'd weakened them. Or maybe just his resolve in shoring them up.

The knock wasn't his first warning--he could feel her coming, like an elastic band relieving pressure as the two ends drew closer.

He considered pretending to be asleep, but only for a moment. There's no way she would believe it, and he wasn't prepared to be quite that petulant. So he sat up in bed, and arranged his robes as he got slowly to his feet. He wasn't sure if he was irritated that she was seeking him out or relieved.

"What's wrong?" he asked upon opening the door, despite knowing that he probably knew.

"You tell me."

Rey knew that wasn't exactly the most considerate way to begin the conversation, but she was slightly startled by the way Luke had answered the door. It was almost as though he'd known she'd be coming, but if that were the case he should also know why she was there. But then, even Rey couldn't exactly put into words why she was there, so she was probably putting too much stock in the idea that Luke knew everything.

"Sorry, I just-... are you all right? The way you left earlier, it had me worried that I'd said something that bothered you."

Tilting her head at him, she looked him over as though trying to suss out how he was feeling before softly saying, "Please tell me that you're okay."

Are you okay?

The question made him want to laugh. What right had he to be okay, let alone have anyone ask it of him? He'd given up that right, not only when Kylo Ren had shattered the dream of a new Jedi Order but when he'd taken on the mantle of Jedi Master. At first, he could not afford to not be all right. Later, nothing could ever be right again.

Luke vaguely knew that he was on the edge of some sort of breakdown, that what was going on was the result of an unhealthy period of abnegation and denial followed by a new circumstance he wasn't dealing with well at all. But in the moment, he only knew that he was torn between anger at himself and concern for her.

It made him uncharacteristically mean.

"What?" he asked, brow furrowed. "You think that after everything I've been through and done, the Sith lords I've faced, wars I've fought, worlds I've visited, that something a girl says is what's going to take me down? You think a conversation ranks up there in the list of bad days Luke Skywalker has had? You think I can't handle one wayward child--"

He stopped cold, a look of horror passing over his features as his own words sink in, as his own anger melts away in the face of the memory of what that anger has caused in the past. And he stepped back inadvertently, seeking to increase the distance not from her, but from the impulse to lash out that could only be because he had so little practice with any real feeling that none of them seemed to be working.

"I'm sorry," he said, almost voiceless, and staring at her as if waiting for something to change in her eyes, some sign that he's failed her, too. "I don't mean any of that. I'm..."

Luke's response took her off-guard, and Rey could only blink at him in shock for a few moments before the hurt began to creep into her eyes. For someone who didn't want to be known as a legend, he suddenly seemed to be fond of pulling together all of the things that had made him a legend and using them to point out just how insignificant she really was to him, in the grand scheme of things.

It wasn't as though she'd thought any differently, really. She was a nobody from a trash planet, and the only reason she'd been sent here had been because Leia couldn't step away from her duties as general and Rey had been eager to learn more about the Force. She'd just... had so few friends that she'd made the mistake of thinking she and Luke had had a connection of some sort. But if he only thought of her as a child....

He seemed contrite, though, and she wasn't sure if that was because he realized he was being harsh or because he could see the tears brimming in her eyes even in the darkness. But she wasn't about to run crying from his door just because he'd been harsh, so she swallowed back the hurt and did her best not to be emotional.

"You didn't answer my question," she told him levelly once she was sure she could speak without her voice cracking. "Though given your outburst, I don't think you need to tell me whether or not you're all right."

She couldn't help being at least slightly petulant, though, and she glanced away as she blinked back the tears before they could fall. "I'd ask if you wanted to talk about it, but you probably don't want to waste time talking to a child when you'd rather be sleeping."

She didn't run. And she was trying not to cry. And both things made him feel like a monster, and like he needed to protect her from people like himself. Like himself. This wasn't him, he felt sure of that, but he was equally certain that he was losing his grasp of who he was.

He'd come here to literally be no one, so that was kind of the point. Why did it, now, hurt so much? Why, if he was trying to chase her away, did he feel so bad at having almost succeeded?

Instinctively, unconsciously, he reached out. The link between them, forged earlier, had not truly been severed, and something inside him had grasped on with both hands. Now, in his need to prove to her that she had everything backwards, something wormed its way past his shields, even as he shook his head, shaken.

alone afraid so much like me so much like BEN save yourself don't leave not worthy don't ruin her you don't deserve this you don't deserve ANYTHING why aren't you dead yet why can't you remember how to talk to people Not in words, exactly, but the trickle of conflicted emotion increased in volume.

"You don't understand," he said hoarsely. "I came here to die. I came here so that no one would else end up like Ben--or like me. I came here so I couldn't hurt people like you." He tilted his head. "But I have, haven't I? You don't get it."

He turned, pacing along the wall of the hut, just to have something to do, some distance.

"I'm pushing you away because no good can come of you emulating me. I'm pushing you away because I am the one I can't forgive."

Rey didn't know what she was expecting in terms of a response, but whatever it was, it certainly hadn't been... that. There was suddenly a wave of some sort of indescribable emotion, rolling over her and covering her and threatening to drown her. It was hard to parse out any one thought or feeling, but the overall impression she got was one of extreme self-loathing.

Luke shouldn't feel like this. No one should feel like this.

She almost didn't hear what he actually said, so taken aback by whatever that was that he'd perhaps unwittingly shared. Though she generally had enough of a sense of etiquette not to enter someone's space until invited in, Rey found herself stepping into Luke's hut, staring at him as he paced.

This wasn't right. None of this was right. All of the stories she'd heard, all of the victories that Luke had had a hand in... it couldn't have all resulted in a man who thought he was so wrong and broken and useless.

"What did you do that was so unforgivable?"

She didn't expect him to answer her quiet question, given the way he'd been playing it so close to the vest this entire time. But if the root of all of this was tied to the fact that he'd done something he couldn't forgive, then maybe uncovering some of that will help bridge the gap between them. And if not... at least he would know that there was someone who cared about him, other than his sister.

Stepping towards him, she cautiously rested a hand on his arm, tilting her head to get him to look at her. "You haven't had much luck in pushing me away yet," she told him softly. "Your luck isn't going to change now, Luke."

Luke. Not Master Luke. Just Luke. He stared at her hand, then had to shut his eyes. This was ridiculous, and he was acting like a child. Well, a worse child than he'd ever been, himself. But perhaps it was because this was the first he'd been truly forced to deal with this since losing Ben.

There was a lot pent up behind that.

Stopping it back up was harder than it should be.

But he reigned in some of his spilling emotion, taking a few deep breaths and realizing, belatedly, just how much he'd been projecting. As if he needed more reason to hate himself.

"I created Kylo Ren," he said softly, deciding in the moment that she deserved to know the truth, if she was going to insist on staying.

If Rey noticed any difference from how she usually addressed him, she didn't show it. All she knew was that she wasn't coming to Luke now as a student. She was coming to him as a concerned friend. Friends don't usually refer to one another by titles.

His words didn't immediately make sense to her, but then she realized she had to look at it from his point of view. Which was, she knew, ridden by guilt and shame, most it not all of it being wholly undeserved. "Snoke created Kylo Ren," she told him evenly. "You were just trying to help your nephew. What he became was out of your hands."

Luke opened his eyes, meeting hers finally, and the conviction in them was plain.

"No," he said. "I saw what he would become, and I did not give him the consideration I gave the man who had murdered my family. I saw potential, and I allowed him to be overtaken by Snoke's influence. I was not there for him. The Jedi way teaches detachment, discipline, balance. I foolishly thought I could do better than those who had taught me. I foolishly assumed nothing like Vader could ever happen again. And I was so horrified by the possibility that I... I did nothing but ensure his fall."

He put his hand over hers where it rested on his arm.

"So you see, there is no way but your own, Rey. I don't have the answers. I don't even..."

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