coolhandluke | Ahch-To, Baby

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Ahch-To, Baby

There were a lot of things Luke hadn't asked himself in the years since arriving on Ach-To. Some because he didn't want to know--or imagine--the answers. Some because there was no reason to borrow more trouble than he already had, and the litany of regrets was already long enough. Some because, well, they just weren't thinks that Luke Skywalker ever thought of.

Like the fact that he looked like some old Jedi hermit, complete with beard and unkempt hair and dingy robes. It hadn't exactly been part of the plan, but then, there hadn't been anyone to comment, or even a mirror.

That was the outside, however. Inside, something in Luke had died long ago, stopping in its tracks. Meeting himself, he would have assumed wisdom and calm, if a little eccentricity. But that hadn't been why Luke had come here, and it hadn't been what he'd found. No, it wasn't the Jedi Master who had retreated. It was the scared farm-boy, who'd flown too high and been brought crashing to ground. It was Luke from Tatooine, who had tried to be Master Skywalker, the hero, and failed.

That was what he'd been running from. That expectation, and his failure at it. That, and the disaster he knew his presence would bring to what was left of what he and the Rebellion had built, if Ben knew where he was. Better, he'd thought, to close himself off and shut down before he hurt anyone else. By his own hand, or by leading Kylo Ren to exact revenge.

It was not so simple a thing, however, to die. Unwilling to take any more lives, including his own, he lingered. Unwilling to open himself up to the Force, he nevertheless existed within it, his body sustained by it as much as by the food he caught. For awhile it seemed that he would just continue, in a sort of limbo of his own making, unwilling to make a move that would upset the galaxy even further than his presence already had.

Until she came.

Rey held a mirror up to him, one he wasn't always willing to gaze into but one from which it was impossible to escape--not least because she simply wouldn't go away. At first resentful, he quickly became resigned.

And then, suddenly, he became expectant. Not hopeful--he would not go so far as to say that--but there came a morning when he realized he would be disappointed to find her gone, given up. Despite his fear, despite his warnings, he wanted her to persist.

Maybe because he hadn't. And as much shame as he felt over that fact, the shame was at least an emotion. And as much as he'd tried to suppress those over the past years, the irritation at her arrival had begun to wear away at his resolve like grains of sand until emotions he'd thought long buried began to unearth themselves.

The truth was, Luke Skywalker was every bit the mess he looked. And yet, the longer she stayed, the less he could find it within himself to resent it. He'd been too long alone, and too long waiting. It only stood to reason that he'd bend to the first wind that came.

Wasn't how this had all started, to begin with?

The sun had barely risen when he took position, waiting outside the hut she'd claimed, unwilling to seem too eager but having to quash a small stirring of impatience, just the same. Warnings not to get too close, too attached, flickered in his mind's eye like a glitched holovid. But Luke had never once detached from anything--and if going to the most remote location he could find hadn't done it, he didn't know that it was worth trying, anymore.

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Time stopped.

On the edge of a cliff, Luke stood, staring at an extremely powerful and entirely untrained force of nature, less than half his age, under the unfortunate delusion that the dreams that had caused him to wake with more ardor than he'd felt in decades were hers. It was almost worse, in his mind, knowing that she blamed herself. That he'd warped her mind enough that she'd internalized his gross desires and thought them her own. It made him feel sick to his stomach, what he'd done to her just by showing her the wonders of the Force. That his powers were both too great, and too rusty, for him to be trusted with other beings.

"Oh, Rey," he breathed sadly, the words snatched away by the wind. "You're wrong. I can, and I did. It was wrong of me, unconscious, but that's no excuse. The link we shared... I've gone so long without opening that door, I didn't realize I had not shut it. What you saw... I should never have dreamed, let alone let you see. I betrayed your trust. It was unintentional, but I did it. And I... I'm sorry."

The stretch of silence that followed her outburst set Rey ill at ease, and she wondered whether Luke had actually known at all, or if he'd only suspected, or if he was completely and utterly confused and searching out her thoughts for answers now. But she didn't feel him prodding about in her head - not that she knew whether or not she could - and his response when he finally did speak-....

Why was none of this making sense?

"What are you-...?" Her brow furrowed as she tried to parse out his words, only for her eyes to widen as she felt her face go warm again. "You never should have-...? You mean, you dreamed about it too?"

The idea that he thought the shared dream came from him and had absolutely no bearing on Rey's feelings on the matter was something that could be dealt with after she processed this first bombshell.

Luke felt his face reddening, and it was not the chill wind off the ocean. For all the unwanted heat he' felt this morning, this was a new kind, and equally unwelcome. He raised a hand, though whether to emphasize his point or to put a barrier between them was unclear.

"No, Rey, I..." He bit his lip. How obvious did he have to be? "I've been alone here a ... a very long time. It's no excuse, but I'm simply trying to explain... Sometimes we have impulses we don't... can't control. I'm only a man, and I apparently have the same drives as other man."

Some part of Luke wished lightning would strike him dead. Now. Or, preferably, yesterday.

"What I'm trying to say is, you didn't dream it. I did. And my dreams were... communicated. To you. Inadvertently, and inappropriately."

For a long time, Rey didn't respond directly. Then she finally let out a dry, mirthless laugh, seeming surprised by the sudden sound. "And you think women don't have similar drives? Or do you still think I'm just a child who doesn't understand sex?"

That... might have actually been one of the only times she'd ever even said the word sex, and so he wouldn't be too far off to still think of her as a child. But she was going to overlook that as best as she could, or else she just ruined her own point.

"Did it ever occur to you that it could have been my dream, and I was the one who communicated it to you? Because that could well have been the case, if you hadn't had any feelings to that effect before last night."

Luke stared at her, in a way that would have been comical were anyone else watching. Was she speaking another language? Or maybe she'd never met another human being. His mouth opened, then shut. He looked out at the ocean, until a porg made eye contact and made him feel even weirder, so he shut his eyes.

"No, it did not," he said. Maybe if he didn't see her, he could get through this. "Because of who I am, and who you are. There is no reason for you to... This is my fault. I... I'm older, and should know better. And should be able to control..."

He was a teacher. A mentor. All of this... It was beneath him.

Luke's silence made her momentarily wonder if she'd been too harsh, if she was outright admonishing him for something utterly ridiculous. But it wasn't ridiculous, was it? She'd known if she was feeling something foreign and alien to her, and that dream last night - different though it might have been from any other dream she'd ever had - had definitely been hers. For him to take responsibility for it and act as though he'd defiled her brain with imagery like that was taking away from the fact that Rey was, indeed, a grown woman, with drives and desires and needs.

He could deny himself, if he wanted. He had no right to tell her she had to do the same.

"Should be able to control what? My dreams? I don't want you to, even if it would have spared us all... this." She didn't appreciate the fact that he seemed to think someone had to be at fault for any of this; it was nature, which meant that it was natural, and Rey didn't like the idea that Luke felt the need to blame himself for her sexual awakening.

"My reasons are my own, and no one is at 'fault' for that. I don't expect you to want to act on it, but at least I wouldn't tell you you'd be wrong for wanting to act on it, that there'd be no reason to want to act on it. I have enough respect for you to believe that you'd know what you want. I would have expected at least a little of that respect in return."

Luke gaped at her. There was no other word for it. Where could he possibly begin with that speech? With the fact he did respect her enough not to assume she'd actually come to this sort of thing on her own? Or the fact that she was actually discussing acting on it? Or the fact that this whole thing was utterly ridiculous even before they got to specifics?

"Rey, I..." He blinked. "Of course I respect you. I respect you far too much to credit any notion that you would have come to that sort of conclusion on your own. I respect you far too much to think the... the misplaced and craven fantasies of an old man should be shared by someone like you. I respect you far too much to have wished that my lack of control would affect you, when you came here to seek my aid. I should be able to control myself. I don't want to tell you you're wrong, but I can't..." He shook his head, flushed and flabbergasted. "I cannot imagine that this is anything but my... my own isolation and lack of... practice."

"Just because you've been isolated doesn't make this any less real."

She spoke as someone who knew what she was talking about, mostly because she did. She'd kept herself away from most people for most of her life. It could well be that the only reason she'd come to look at Luke this way was because he'd been the only man she'd gotten to really know for more than a few minutes before someone started shooting at her. But did that invalidate the feelings that had developed?

Still, the idea of actually acting on those feelings was something she had absolutely no experience with, even insofar as simply having some physical contact with someone that wasn't violent nor platonic. So while she was horribly tempted to prove beyond a doubt that she really did feel an attraction to him - an attraction that he apparently felt as well - she had no idea how.

"I've been isolated far longer than you have. And believe me, I didn't have these sorts of feelings for any of the other people I'd met recently. If it were a matter of desperation, the matter would have been resolved long before we met. But I'm not that kind of woman. I have standards. And whether or not you think much of yourself, I obviously think the world of you."

Luke was reasonably certain this was not how this story was supposed to go. In his wildest, maddest dreams, he could not have imagined being faced with this. A beautiful, fierce, independent desert girl, more powerful in the Force than anyone he'd seen in a generation, comes to an island to recall Luke Skywalker to the Cause--and develops feelings for him? Not hero-worship, not even necessarily romantic, but sexual.

If he was going to accept that he hadn't planted the thought in her mind--and he still wasn't entirely convinced of that--then he had to admit that the feelings emanating from her now and in her/their dreams were not simply the sort of crushes he had occasionally encountered in his younger days. He'd rejected those out of hand, if gently, because it had not interested him and would have seemed improper even if it had. The starry-eyed hero-chaser, he'd managed to avoid. As he'd gotten older, his reputation had shifted from pilot and hero to Jedi Master and that had quelled some of the uncomfortable interest, though not all.

That said, what was going on here was still wildly inappropriate, and Luke was still too stubborn to imagine that he could possibly be attractive. That said, he was also too old to feel addled and flushed at her words, and yet...

"Rey, I..." He trailed off, hands spreading helplessly. "I have no idea how you want me to... to respond to this." He felt like a stupid kid again, awkward and vulnerable and confused. What did this mean? He'd thought it was so simple--he'd made a mistake, and she could either leave or let him fix it. But this... This, he had no idea what to do with.

Rey would always feel a touch of hero worship towards Luke, though now it was tempered with a healthy dose of realism. Whatever he might have been in his youth, he was just a man now, or at least, doing his very best to live as just a man. He could have done anything, been anyone, and instead of going into a life of politics or military, he'd chosen this. It made no sense to her, not from any sort of logical standpoint, but at the very least, she was able to respect it.

Maybe her feelings would have never gotten intense enough to be noticed if only Rey had had a father figure growing up. That would have helped her understand that these feelings might not have been the most appropriate, that Luke should feel more like a parent than a potential partner. But maybe it was the fact that she hadn't had that while growing up that made her want him, since she had no false conceptions of him being "too old" or "too fatherly" or too anything, except perhaps for too emotionally unavailable.

That last one might be more accurate than she'd been willing to believe, given his response. She glanced away, not so much ashamed about what she'd said as she was about the fact that she'd upset the tenuous balance of their relationship, whatever it might have been up until now. "Honestly." At first, it sounded as though that was the beginning of a statement, but then she realized that nothing else needed to be said.

"I want you to respond honestly," she told him, looking at him again and trying not to let her shame translate in her body language. She didn't want him thinking she'd regretted feeling what she felt, nor that he should regret anything, either. She just wanted them to be able to move on from this, one way or the other. "Like I said, I don't expect you to act on anything, and I'm certainly not going to-... to do anything that might make you uncomfortable. But I think we should be honest with one another, and with ourselves. That's all I want."

Honestly. Well, he could not say that she was wrong, or behaving inappropriately. She was, actually, probably being the more mature of either of them. Even if he still could not quite wrap his head around the idea that she could possibly want him. Even if that was acceptable in any conceivable way.

"You're not going to make me uncomfortable?" he echoed, raising an eyebrow. "I'm a fifty..." He trailed off, frowning. "Three? Four? Anyway, I'm old. I've been living alone in self-imposed exile after losing everything and you want me to respond honestly." He shook his head, a chuckle that was nearly hysterical threatening to bubble up in his throat. "This is not how I saw today going."

She blinked, a little surprised that he offered his age (or an approximation) and also realizing that, oh... he wasn't twice her age. Another few years, and it would be closer to three times her age. That was... something of a staggering difference, but again, she had no social preconceptions of just how appropriate or inappropriate such a thing could really be.

Rey didn't like that non-answer of his, nor the way he seemed to be nearing some sort of panic or hysteria or something equally undesirable, given the subject matter. But she couldn't take back what she'd said, and neither of them could un-dream what they'd dreamed. If part of that dream had been Luke's, then it was probably better to address it, even if it would result in her being forced to give Leia a very stilted version of why she hadn't brought her brother back.

"Being older than me doesn't mean you can see the future," she told him dryly, trying to bring a little levity to the conversation. After all, if he was going to laugh, she'd rather it be because of humor than because he was losing it.

"And that wasn't an answer."

Luke sighed. "No, it wasn't," he admitted. She deserved this from him. But he was desperately out of practice with what exactly else she did deserve, as well as how to express it. "Honestly? I don't know how to handle this. I've... never had to."

He risked looking at her now, unsure what he'd see. Unsure what any of this meant. But why? It wasn't as if he could possibly act on it, for any number of reasons.

"Truth be told, I'd just come to terms with the idea of you being here. I'm still terrified of speaking to you, of the wrong thing coming out. I'm terrified of what allowing anyone to get to me now, after..." He spread his hands. "I'd just started to accept that I can't stop myself from ... reaching back." He shook his head. "I just never suspected I would react like that."

He looked down at the dead fish on the ground, eyes staring. The whole thing was absurd. What did she want him to say?

Rey couldn't say what she expected from Luke, and really, she couldn't say that she expected much of anything at all. It just seemed like this weird thing between them should be confronted before things just got more and more awkward before inevitably becoming unbearable.

"I'm the last person anyone should be terrified of speaking to," she told him after a moment of not knowing what to say. "There are just two of us on this entire island, unless you count the porgs and one Wookiee who mostly keeps to himself; there's no such thing as saying the wrong thing. Or doing the wrong thing."

Especially not if that included doing some of the things that her subconscious had imagined him doing, but she quickly bypassed that before her thoughts went somewhere wholly inappropriate. You know. Again.

"Or we could say and do nothing. That's-... that's fine too, if that's what you want."

What Luke wanted and what he thought he should have were two different things. It was ludicrous, to think they could act on this. Ludicrous to think she'd want to, even if she'd had... dreams.

And no, you are NOT allowed to speculate about what she saw. He had to pull himself together. Be the man she needed him to be, if he was going to give in to her being here at all. And be an adult.

"Oh, there is," he said sadly. "Sometimes, you don't even have to say anything to change everything forever." He looked over at her pensively, and raised a hand to lay lightly on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. That this happened... the way it did. That I'm no good at interacting with people. That... I am not reacting to this very well. The truth is... I didn't know what to do with you when you got here. And I still don't. I only know... I was terrified I'd scare you away. And I suppose that means... I don't want you do go."

He felt like he was trying to breathe through water, to get that out.

Whatever the two of them might say, Rey could only hope that Luke didn't ask her to describe just what she'd seen, or what she'd felt, or what she'd wanted. She'd never even said some of those words outside of a matter-of-fact, clinical sort of way, especially since she'd never exactly had any reason to talk openly about sex or sexual feelings.

As it was, Luke still seemed to be blaming himself, and she hated the heaviness surrounding his presence. When he touched a hand to her shoulder and admitted that he didn't want her to leave, Rey couldn't bother holding back anymore, and she stepped forward to loosely wrap her arms around him in an embrace, hoping it didn't feel as awkward for him as she thought it must look from the outside.

"You're lucky I'm so stubborn," she told him, partly scolding but mostly joking as she rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere, Luke. Not without you. I would have thought I'd made that clear by now."

Luke was, certainly, blaming himself. It was a habit hard to get out of, after what he'd done to Ben--and the pit into which he'd fallen in his guilt over that. He didn't deserve her, even as a companion. He didn't deserve a recourse from the loneliness and madness that shrouded him. He shouldn't be allowed to enjoy the feel of her against him.

He couldn't let this go any further.

But surely... he could let her stand here for a few moments more, and savor the warmth, since it was going to be as much as he allowed himself.

"I can't let you," he said sorrowfully, breath stirring the fine hair that escaped from her elaborate knots. "I will not watch you throw your life away."

He still had not moved to hold her. He did not trust himself.

Rey would have thought he'd take her dry comment and manage at least a chuckle out of it, or at the very least return her hug now that she'd crossed the line into physical contact. But he continued to sound so... so sad, so forlorn and broken, and she just didn't know what to do to get him to snap out of it.

She didn't let go of him, but backed up just enough to look at him, frowning as she carefully observed his face. "'Let me?' You-... really haven't been paying attention, have you?"

The fact that he was scared of her throwing her life away implied something of a lengthy commitment, and while she couldn't say she had any arguments against that, she hadn't exactly thought that far. But then... he was older than her, so it stood to reason that if he were to engage a woman in any sort of way, he'd expect it to be for an extended period of time. She understood that much, but if she wanted to agree to that sort of commitment, it was ultimately her choice.

"You can't stop what I feel. If you don't want to do anything about it, I can't force you. I'd never do that, not to you or anyone else. But... you want to. We both know you do. So what good comes in denying it?"

His expression softened as he watched her, something tender coming into his eyes. "Not that," he said softly. "That, I... I confess, I don't know what to do with, though you're right, there's no point in denying it if you're going to insist on being so... bold."

It was hard to tell whether that was a blush, or just the chafing of the cold air.

"I meant your whole not leaving without me thing. Did you..." He went back over what he'd said, what she'd said, and now he was definitely blushing. Oh. Chagrined, he abruptly turned to the fish and bent to retrieve it, gruffly stating, "Better get this somewhere out of the elements."

Was she being bold? Rey honestly had no idea what was considered bold or meek or anything in between. She just... felt things. And talked about them. She'd thought that was what most people did, when they actually had someone to talk to.

And that was what Luke was to her, primarily. Someone she could talk to, someone who didn't just hang on her every word the way Finn did or try to manipulate her like Kylo Ren did. It felt normal to talk to Luke, natural. So of course she'd tell him when she'd started developing feelings for him, even if she didn't have any real knowledge of how to express those feelings.

It was when he suddenly broke away from her to go towards the fish again that she realized just how far out of her depth she was, since she didn't know if this really was how normal people talked about this sort of thing or if Luke was just exceptionally avoidant. Either way, she wasn't going to let him drop it quite so easily.

"Did I what, Luke?"

Luke slung the fish across his shoulders, which was no doubt extremely heightening to his allure. No, Rey, this is not how normal people talked about these things, but Luke was hardly in a position to know that.

"You thought I was referencing my... your..." He shrugged and the fish's tail flopped which was not exactly a meaningful gesture. "It wasn't a declaration, I mean. I... Oh, for the love of the nine Hells of Corellia--"

Where was Han when he needed him? The thought sent a sharp pang through him. Han would have known what to do. After about three weeks of teasing him mercilessly, of course, but Luke would have deserved it. He turned and started back towards the settlement, expecting Rey to catch up.

"I bet you're wondering why I'm single," he called over his shoulder.

Rey wasn't exactly in a better position to know how people did these sorts of things, or even what this sort of thing was. They weren't flirting - or, at least, if they were then she'd had the completely wrong idea of what flirting was - and they weren't fighting, and they weren't-....

Well, it was probably easier to keep a running list of what they weren't doing versus what they were.

When he took off without completing his thought, Rey was so startled that all she could do was follow after him, looking him over carefully. She hadn't managed to ostracize him, so that was good, but they weren't actually coming any closer to getting anything said or done, so it didn't quite feel like they were exactly breaking even either.

"Possibly because you seem to have trouble finishing a sentence or maintaining eye contact when someone is talking to you." Though she was mostly joking, Rey was also being at least somewhat serious. It would be nice if she didn't have to guess at how to complete his sentences and figure out what he was talking about.

In a quieter voice, she mentioned, "Honestly, though, I was sort of wondering about that. Leia had found Han. I know the Jedi aren't known for having families of their own, but given how unconventional your story had been, didn't you ever... want... that? Or was there someone and she's just... not here anymore?"

Rey didn't think she was being brutally insensitive, but then, she admittedly didn't know about the best way to approach this sort of conversation.

Now that he wasn't looking at her, and had something to do--navigate a rocky path with a giant fish on his shoulders--he was having an easier time talking.

"No, the trouble talking and eye contact thing probably have more to do with years of isolation," he said, leaving off the crippling depression. "Not to mention a childhood lack of social interaction..."

But with the other question, he fell silent, watching her sidelong as they walked for a long moment. Finally, he sighed.

"I'm going to try to answer that," he said finally, a little flat in his tone. "Because... I think that has something to do with the lesson I'm trying to give you, about the Jedi. But I'll need a moment."

Squaring his shoulders, he made it to the stone hut he was using as a storeroom and stashed the fish inside. He'd smoke it later. For now, he moved to his hut, leaving the door open. Inside, he found a kettle and a jar of leaves, and set about making tea. The tea was for warmth, and to calm nerves. The making of it was to give his hands something to do while his mouth and brain rehearsed memories long left unspoken. But this was important, not as someone who had been dreaming about a young woman, but as a Jedi trying desperately to teach another why they had failed.

"It's complicated," he said, as he tipped some of the herbs from the jar into the pot. "Not in the holo-thriller sort of way. Just... I don't know that I've ever understood whether it was my temperament or my circumstances. First, I was simply too busy. Later..." He shrugged, busying himself by finding two mugs and blowing them out, as if potentially dusty. "Later, it seemed frivolous. How could I run a school, train young Jedi, and spend weekends off trysting with... Well, and there's that. With whom? Would I have found the time, and the woman, if it's what I had really wanted? Perhaps. What I do know is that the Jedi used to forbid attachments of that sort. I didn't want to make that same mistake. I refused to believe that strong feeling was necessarily damaging. And yet..."

"I used to talk to flowers when I was a child," Rey pointed out. "And flowers were rare on Jakku. If you really wanted to make this a game of who had the least amount of social interaction...."

Except she knew he didn't, no more than she did. It wouldn't do either of them any good to think about the loneliness they'd both experienced. Especially not now that they'd found one another, whatever might become of the relationship they'd formed.

Instead, she stayed quiet when he promised to give her an answer, having developed more than enough patience over the years to be able to wait until he got that giant fish out of the way, and they were no longer in a potentially dangerous environment. Once she was back inside his hut, she instinctively moved to follow him towards the fire, sitting down as she watched him busy himself with making tea before he was ready to speak.

"... and yet... you've never found anyone to feel that strongly towards?" It was as much a shot in the dark as it was a question borne of disbelief. How could he have lived as long as he had and have never found anyone over the course of his life? While romance had never been on the forefront of her mind, Rey had always assumed that she'd eventually find someone, after....

Well. After her parents had found her. Which was just about as good as saying she'd end up like Luke by the time she was his age, if she even made it that long.

That was a sobering thought, and she looked down as she considered all of the implications therein. She wondered if Luke had only developed feelings for her because she'd been the first woman who'd literally shipped herself to his doorstep and presented herself as available to him, but that theory was every bit as unfair to him as it was her. Lonely or not, he had to have standards, right?

"If it had been a matter of your circumstances, then those have changed, now that I'm here. But again, if you don't want to pursue anything and would rather forget we're anything more than teacher and student... if you feel that's best, then I can do that." She hesitated for a brief moment before adding, "I'd rather not, but I can."

Luke watched her a long moment, his expression still somewhat disbelieving, before reaching for the pot and pouring two cups of tea. It was not expertly done--there were bits of leaf floating in it--but it was hot, and it would, at least, calm him.

Part of him wanted to spill everything. Every desire, every moment of loneliness or connection, every answer to her questions both asked and not. It was that reservoir that had built up, unnoticed, now offering sustained pressure on the dam he'd built now that she'd shown him the cracks.

But another part simply couldn't accept that any of this was happening. And still another part knew that it was, and refused to give in to it because it should not be happening. There were more important things happening, and he could fully accept his own decision to ignore them but not hers.

"There have been... people," he said after a moment, very slowly. He wrapped his hands around one mug, leaving the other next to the pot. Why, oh why, was he talking about his love life with the girl who'd come here to be trained? "Not many. But it never lasted. It couldn't. They either wanted something I could not give, or wanted someone I never was." He shrugged, and took a sip of his tea. It almost burned his tongue, and he rather welcomed the shock of it. "Or maybe it was I who asked too much. Expected them to share me with what I saw as my greater mission."

This was raw, this was personal, but it was, thus far, easier to bemoan the losses of the past than deal with the confusion of the present. But he could hardly leave that out there, fluttering in the cruel wind. He looked down at his mug, but watched her from lowered brows.

"What is it," he began quietly, "you think there is to pursue, here? You had a dream. A dream which, whatever you say, may or may not have been influenced by the lonely fantasies of an old man with a tenuous grasp on reality, not to mention decorum. You speak as though you'd be ... giving something up, to forget about it. When any rational being in the universe would see the balance in exactly the opposite way."

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