coolhandluke: (Default)
Lonely Luke Skywalker ([personal profile] coolhandluke) wrote2018-01-09 03:29 pm
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Ahch-To, Baby

There were a lot of things Luke hadn't asked himself in the years since arriving on Ach-To. Some because he didn't want to know--or imagine--the answers. Some because there was no reason to borrow more trouble than he already had, and the litany of regrets was already long enough. Some because, well, they just weren't thinks that Luke Skywalker ever thought of.

Like the fact that he looked like some old Jedi hermit, complete with beard and unkempt hair and dingy robes. It hadn't exactly been part of the plan, but then, there hadn't been anyone to comment, or even a mirror.

That was the outside, however. Inside, something in Luke had died long ago, stopping in its tracks. Meeting himself, he would have assumed wisdom and calm, if a little eccentricity. But that hadn't been why Luke had come here, and it hadn't been what he'd found. No, it wasn't the Jedi Master who had retreated. It was the scared farm-boy, who'd flown too high and been brought crashing to ground. It was Luke from Tatooine, who had tried to be Master Skywalker, the hero, and failed.

That was what he'd been running from. That expectation, and his failure at it. That, and the disaster he knew his presence would bring to what was left of what he and the Rebellion had built, if Ben knew where he was. Better, he'd thought, to close himself off and shut down before he hurt anyone else. By his own hand, or by leading Kylo Ren to exact revenge.

It was not so simple a thing, however, to die. Unwilling to take any more lives, including his own, he lingered. Unwilling to open himself up to the Force, he nevertheless existed within it, his body sustained by it as much as by the food he caught. For awhile it seemed that he would just continue, in a sort of limbo of his own making, unwilling to make a move that would upset the galaxy even further than his presence already had.

Until she came.

Rey held a mirror up to him, one he wasn't always willing to gaze into but one from which it was impossible to escape--not least because she simply wouldn't go away. At first resentful, he quickly became resigned.

And then, suddenly, he became expectant. Not hopeful--he would not go so far as to say that--but there came a morning when he realized he would be disappointed to find her gone, given up. Despite his fear, despite his warnings, he wanted her to persist.

Maybe because he hadn't. And as much shame as he felt over that fact, the shame was at least an emotion. And as much as he'd tried to suppress those over the past years, the irritation at her arrival had begun to wear away at his resolve like grains of sand until emotions he'd thought long buried began to unearth themselves.

The truth was, Luke Skywalker was every bit the mess he looked. And yet, the longer she stayed, the less he could find it within himself to resent it. He'd been too long alone, and too long waiting. It only stood to reason that he'd bend to the first wind that came.

Wasn't how this had all started, to begin with?

The sun had barely risen when he took position, waiting outside the hut she'd claimed, unwilling to seem too eager but having to quash a small stirring of impatience, just the same. Warnings not to get too close, too attached, flickered in his mind's eye like a glitched holovid. But Luke had never once detached from anything--and if going to the most remote location he could find hadn't done it, he didn't know that it was worth trying, anymore.
abalance: (Or how the world can seem so vast)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-12 01:22 am (UTC)(link)
Rey wasn't so cocky or immature that she would argue back when reprimanded, particularly when she knew very well that she was in the wrong. She could have asked for Luke's guidance and permission before doing anything. She should have asked for his guidance and permission. But she'd been so focused on proving to herself that Kylo had been lying, that their so-called connection was nothing special beyond being a sign of one person strong in the Force searching out for another who also happened to be strong. What better way to immediately test that theory than to try to reach out to Luke?

Even so....

"I'm sorry," she earnestly replied once he seemed to give her leave to speak again. "I know what I did was impulsive and foolish. I promise, I won't consciously do anything like that again without your permission, or unless I think it's urgent."

She didn't want to disappoint him. It had been a long time since she'd last worried about disappointing someone. Meeting Han Solo had been exciting, and she'd bonded with him remarkably well, but it had been over the Falcon. They had common ground. It was easy to bond. She and Luke had the Force, but... she couldn't exactly finish his sentences or show him workarounds, the way she had when it had come to Han and his ship. She couldn't bond with Luke.

But she wanted to. And that was where the fear of letting him down came in.

A little surprised when he suddenly turned and beckoned for her to follow, Rey nevertheless did so immediately. She knew she was walking on thin ice, and if she didn't want him to completely shut her out as he'd had when she'd first arrived to the island, she was going to have to head in the opposite direction and try to find a way to turn off this link she had to Kylo, rather than go seeking it out in others.

"Where are we going?"
abalance: (Courage don't desert me)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-12 09:21 pm (UTC)(link)
"I was just asking," Rey returned, trying not to sound petulant. It didn't quite work, and she was sure he probably thought of her as some sort of impetuous youth, more focused on the end result than on the journey getting there. And maybe she was, but that wasn't unique to her. Most people slowed down when they got older, became more contemplative, thoughtful. That was why people her age were supposed to look up to them, wasn't it?

But while she did look up to him, she couldn't pretend that it wasn't just a step away from madness, following after him like this without knowing where they were going. She meant that in the metaphorical as much as the literal sense. She could feel herself growing stronger and more focused whenever they were together, but it was a slow growth. Rey didn't want to learn the Force in inches. She didn't have time for that. None of them did.

But she didn't want to badger or upset him, especially not now after her little stunt. She followed along, resisting the urge to reach out to him either with a touch to his shoulder or a cautious nudge of the Force. She just... didn't want him being angry at her. She couldn't stand the thought, really.

When they arrived at their destination, Rey looked around, ears ringing slightly in the comparative silence from the ocean waves. The whole island had a lonely sort of beauty - anything that wasn't covered in sand and blistering sun was apt to be beautiful to her - but that particular spot felt especially lovely. Peaceful.

It must be the flowers. Rey had always liked flowers, especially the ones that bloomed in less-than-ideal conditions. Those were the only sorts she'd ever seen on Jakku, after all.

She watched Luke as he took his place on the ground, and she was going to join him, to sit across from him and soak up whatever lesson he had to offer, but she hesitated. He was answering her question, finally, but... he wasn't. Not really. And if she dug too deeply, it might make him suspicious.

"What about... more than words?" She knew it wasn't the best way to phrase it as soon as she said it, and so she didn't quite look at him as she slowly sat down, not so much directly across from him but adjacent.

"What about being able to see another person, along with hearing and feeling them? I don't just mean seeing them in your mind's eye, but... as though they're right in front of you, talking to you, even though you know they're not. Does that just take a little more control?"
abalance: (Or how the world can seem so vast)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-13 06:13 am (UTC)(link)
She inhaled sharply when he asked if she'd seen someone. He knew. He had to have known. Or at least he suspected it. And if he were to find out that she had a strange bond with his most dangerous student, what would he do to her? Turn her away? Yell at her? She didn't know which option sounded worse.

But if Luke did know or suspect anything regarding her and Kylo Ren, he wasn't saying anything about it. So she was fairly certain that she wouldn't have to worry about being abandoned again just yet.

"So...." Short of explaining her situation and just why she was asking, Rey was having trouble getting the information she needed without arousing Luke's suspicions. Despite whatever he might think about himself, Rey knew he was a smart man, or at least certainly not an idiot. If she kept on with a certain line of questions, he's going to find out, and the fact that she'd tried hiding it from him would just upset him further.

"It can only be done with control? Not... accidentally?" Shrugging a shoulder, she looked down and explained, "I-... I've been having dreams. Or visions or hallucinations or who-knows-what. They're just... very realistic. Full conversations, small details on clothing, specific sounds and smells. I was just wondering if I'd stumbled onto something."

Or, more accurately, if someone had stumbled into her.
abalance: (Years of dreams)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-13 02:47 pm (UTC)(link)
Luke didn't understand that Rey needed him to have all the answers. Or, at the very least, she needed him to sound as though he had all the answers. He could pretend, for her sake. But then, why should he? All he'd wanted to do was be left alone.

But he wasn't alone, and he was going to have to deal with that. There was another person on his island now, another person who had feelings and fears and who desperately needed clarity. If a legendary Jedi master couldn't grant her that, what could she do? Turn to the person who'd offered her answers, even if there was a good chance it had been little more than a lie to get her to embrace the darkness?

No. She was going to fight Kylo Ren tooth and nail on this, and she was going to use Luke to do it. He deserved to know that his own nephew was appearing to her, his former student was visiting her at her loneliest and most vulnerable and was trying to-....

Except it didn't seem as though Kylo had been trying to do much of anything during their conversations, either. He'd appeared just as surprised and confused to see her as she had been to see him, that first time. So if this wasn't part of a plan, Rey needed the confirmation that this could just be a fluke, an accident, a sign that Kylo was desperately trying to find her and Luke and this was how his powers manifested.

She almost had that confirmation, until Luke claimed the Force was telling her something. So... they were connected. She didn't know how, or why, but if nothing else, she was fairly certain that Kylo didn't know, either. He'd been trying to use that to his advantage this whole time, but maybe she could use it to hers instead.

Just... carefully.

She debated telling Luke the truth, but in the end, decided that it was best to keep mum, at least while Kylo was still unable to see where she was. She could avoid the truth without outright lying to him.

"More like I was trying to understand it so I could stop listening," she admitted softly. "Or listen at will. It's been... distracting, looking around me and no longer being sure what's real. It feels like I'm going insane." And if she'd retained her sanity the entire time she'd carved out some semblance of a life on Jakku, losing her grip on it now was far from a good sign.

Looking at Luke and no longer being sure what kinds of answers she wanted from him but knowing she wanted something, she asked, "Is it always like this?"
abalance: (Courage don't desert me)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-16 08:02 pm (UTC)(link)
"But you still learned where you fit into your fight," Rey told him, trying to keep her voice steady. She'd come to Luke hoping that the clouds would part and she would suddenly know her place in everything, but... either because of Kylo's interference or some shortcoming of her own making, she was more confused now than ever. "You didn't deserve to be taken from whatever life you'd had at the start. But you did what you could with what you had and came out a legend."

Leaning in towards him and looking at him with eyes every bit as determined as they were fearful, she concluded, "You're all I have, Master Skywalker. If you can't help me, then-...." She was almost in tears, and she hated it, but if nothing else, she felt she could be vulnerable around Luke. Even if he thought her tears foolish, who was he going to tell?

"Then I'm afraid. Afraid of where I'll turn to find the answers. Please, just... just give me something to hold onto."
abalance: (No one ever mentions fear)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-16 09:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Though Rey had already known that Luke was far from the wizened old master she'd been expecting, it was still disheartening to hear him talk about himself like that. "The Skywalker legend inspires hope," she murmured softly. "Leia wouldn't ask me to come here otherwise."

Or would she? Maybe General Organa had long ago lost hope and had just wanted to see her brother one last time before everything fell apart. Maybe she knew that Luke would be reluctant to leave the island, and was hoping to keep Rey out of harm's way while she tried to convince him to leave. She didn't know, and the fact that her certainty and resolve just continued to crumble the longer she spent in here made it frighteningly easy to lose that hope she'd been clinging to.

But then Luke's question shocked her, and she wondered how much of her dilemma with Kylo Ren Luke had been privy to all along. "What? No!" Except yes. Yes, that was what she might end up doing, but it wasn't a threat. It was a very real fear.

She moved from sitting to kneeling, holding herself up straight and intent as she glared at Luke, some measure of her determination sparking back into her eyes. "Snoke created a monster. And you'll have no hand in any other monstrosities. This is about my own weakness, not yours. You're Luke Skywalker, and whatever that might mean to you, it means worlds to me."

She'd heard his name even on the outer reaches of Jakku, and he'd been a wonder long before she'd even known to actively grasp onto hope and never let it go. Whatever stories might or might not be true, he was a legend, a hero, a beacon of hope for rebels everywhere, and that? That meant more than he seemed to realize. Would Kylo be so desperate to find him otherwise?

And yet....

"You're right; I don't need a legend," she admitted softly. "I need a teacher. A mentor. A friend. Because if I don't have anything anchoring me, I might lose my balance, and that terrifies me."
abalance: (I'll be safe and wanted)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-17 04:48 am (UTC)(link)
When Luke said that he wouldn't turn her away, Rey blinked at him, feeling a huge amount of tension slip from her shoulders. She sat down, just barely managing to keep from collapsing onto the ground in her relief. She'd been worried that she'd upset him, offended him, that she'd overstepped her bounds and would be cast out. But Luke was giving her a chance.

And if he was willing to teach her how to strengthen a Force bond, maybe she could use this so-called connection to Kylo towards her benefit, and the benefit of the Resistance at large.

"Thank you," she breathed, smiling fairly cheerfully. "You have no idea how much this means to me. All of this."
abalance: (To the past)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-18 03:49 pm (UTC)(link)
She didn't know what he meant by his statement - of course she knew how much this meant, or else she wouldn't want it so badly - but that didn't matter. The moment he began talking as though he was giving a lesson, Rey immediately snapped into the image of the perfect student. She sat cross-legged directly in front of Luke and closed her eyes as soon as he told her to, and though his instructions were abstract at best, she followed them as closely as she could.

As before, she could feel it all with his guidance: the light and the dark, the peace and the conflict, the joy and the sorrow. Everything around her had some place in the story woven by the Force, and while it would have been all too easy to get distracted by the fact that she still had trouble picturing her own place in it all, she focused outwardly, walking along the gray area in between it all that acted as the balance between the two extremes.

She only hesitated when he changed the lesson, asking that she focus on him. She didn't want to overreach, especially since he was right there, but he knew what he was asking. Taking a slow, deep breath, she did as he asked, visualizing that she was reaching out with her hand and feeling him there, though she kept her body still.

There was warmth there. Not just the body heat exuded by most humans, but an ephemeral sensation of more than a body, of a soul. Her curiosity tried to break in, to make her ask questions about the nature of the soul and whether a person's story truly ends when they die, but she kept it quiet. That wasn't the lesson.

She could live with that, all things considered. She'd rather focus on life than brood on death.

"You're warm," she murmured at last, once she got a firm grip on just what she was feeling. "Not in the same way as the sun. And not in the same way as me. It's close, but... it's different. Unique. Yours."
abalance: (Years of dreams)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-18 08:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Compared to the nothingness she'd felt from Luke that first time, to when she'd learned that he'd purposely cut himself off from the Force, what Rey felt now was a welcome wave of potential. Luke was stronger than the stories said, stronger than even he knew. Rey didn't know if it was the hero worship from her childhood coloring her impression of him, or if was simply all of the strength and beauty that Luke had turned himself away from coming up to meet the emptiness he'd tried to replace it with.

It couldn't stand that way for long. He had to have known that. It was as he'd said: everything in the galaxy exists because of both Light and Dark. He couldn't maintain that precious balance if he tried to turn his back on it.

It was easy to get distracted by what she could feel from Luke, but she knew she couldn't afford that, not now. He was giving another order, and so she had to focus, opening her eyes and blinking for a moment as though still sensing that brightness from behind her eyelids. When she was able to, she focused completely on his eyes.

They were nice. Blue. She didn't see blue eyes often.

She blinked a few more times, wondering where that thought had come from and thinking for a moment that that was the thought she was supposed to get off of him. She doubted it, though. Luke didn't seem like the sort of man who would try to convince young girls that he had nice eyes.

"What's a krayt dragon?" she asked, deciding that that must be it, since she'd never seen such a creature. "And how would you know they make poor pets?"
abalance: (I know someone's waiting)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-19 05:19 am (UTC)(link)
The sudden touch of humor in the thought she got from Luke was quietly surprising, and immensely appreciated. It helped to soothe her nerves from the jarring way she'd started the day, and she chuckled at their silent exchange, amazed that he could so effortlessly speak to her without saying a word.

All things considered, if she was going to be that closely connected to anyone, she'd much rather it be Luke than Kylo. There was a warmth in him that she'd never sensed from his nephew, and it easily enveloped her now as they interacted, making her feel safer than she had in ages.

The sudden image gives her pause, so lifelike that she looked down at her own arm as though looking at the very gashes that a young and inexperienced Luke Skywalker had once received on his. She wondered if he still bore the scars from that, and she glanced over at him, briefly picturing what they might look like until she realized that, right, it probably wasn't appropriate to imagine what her teacher looked like under his robes, even if it was only his arm.

She took a moment to increase her focus, to hold on to their connection a little more tightly and see if she could respond wordlessly. Meeting his eyes again, she tried to pay attention to signs that he could actually hear her, hoping she wasn't just causing an awkward lull in their conversation. Did you want a pet that badly, or were you just trying to see if you could tame it?
abalance: (Don't turn back now that we're here)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-19 07:50 pm (UTC)(link)
The smile that came as a response actually excited Rey. He could hear her! Of course, that could have been more to do with Luke being so skilled than because she'd actually done well in projecting her words over to him, but that didn't matter to her right now. The connection went both ways, and she was actually allowed to enjoy that feeling, unlike when it had been Kylo coming through to her.

She'd never felt this close to a person before. And she'd tried, searching for friends and surrogate family ever since being left on Jakku. She'd felt close to Han, but their time had been brief and, ultimately, very different from this. This was almost...

... intimate.

It wasn't really a word she'd ever used, and even when thinking it, it had rarely ever been in a positive way. But she and Luke were talking like a pair of old friends, using a language more personal than speech could convey. If that wasn't a form of intimacy, she didn't know what was.

I know what you mean.

Contrary to his belief, learning that Luke had been lonely even as a young boy didn't shake her image of him. After all, there was a certain strength that grew out of loneliness. She should know.

I never really had friends before I'd met up with the Resistance. And even then....

She might be biting off more than she could chew, but Rey tried to piece together a detailed image of a small, orange and white BB unit, rolling along the desert sand and beeping happily, emoting more than she'd ever seen a droid emote before. She smiled softly as she shared that image with Luke, thinking he'll appreciate it.

That's BB-8. The one who started all this. I'd still be on Jakku if I hadn't decided to rescue them from a Teedo.
abalance: (I know someone's waiting)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-20 12:36 am (UTC)(link)
So was BB-8! That's how I found you! This is the droid I'd told you about, the one with the map!

It was such a startlingly random point of similarity that Rey couldn't help but laugh. To think that she'd gotten involved in all this in the same way that Luke Skywalker had been roped into the Rebellion.... It was an uncanny sort of thing to have in common.

And watching him smile like that, Rey felt even more connected to Luke; only it wasn't quite hero worship anymore. She didn't know what it was, but it was an affectionate, sincere sort of feeling that drew her in closer to him as she looked at him fondly.

I'll have to thank BB-8 for showing me the way to you.
abalance: (Years of dreams)

[personal profile] abalance 2018-01-20 01:15 am (UTC)(link)
How BB-8 had ended up on Jakku was something that Rey still wasn't entirely clear on. He'd been looking for his master, and apparently Poe Dameron had been on Jakku on a mission of some sort before the First Order had intervened. Why Jakku, Rey didn't know. But maybe it was just the Force's way of telling her that she really did have a part in this story after all.

Of course, she wasn't vain enough to think that she could be the Luke Skywalker of a new generation. She didn't know what her place was, but so long as Luke was willing to help her find it, she'd be okay. She was always okay.

But then, Luke was claiming that she was more than okay and would have ended up that way even without that sort of intervention. There was a little wave of excitement that moved over her at the praise, but she managed to tamp down the worst of it, only looking quietly pleased rather than outright preening.

"Considering where I'd spent most of my life, I'm surprised I was found at all." Shifting a little, Rey sat a little more comfortably, looking at Luke curiously. "So... we'd be able to communicate that way from long distances, then? And eventually I could work my way up towards full visual projections?"

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